Continuing to write about how we’re doing in the weeks and months following the unexpected loss of our baby at 12 weeks has proven challenging. I find myself wrapped up in feeling inadequate and somehow not qualified to share my feelings surrounding our miscarriage because I feel a sense of responsibility to write words that resonate with other women who have been there before, especially those who have been through multiple miscarriages or losses further along in pregnancy. It’s stifling to my writing but also, I’m beginning to realize, a self-imposed sense of writer’s block that doesn’t need to be there.
When I read Emily’s blog post about her two miscarriages last week, I began sobbing. I cried tears I desperately needed to cry. Tears for Emily and her horrific experiences, tears for the baby we lost in January and tears for the tiny heartbeats and fuzzy ultrasound pictures so many wish we could will and pray into healthy babies.
It wasn’t until I read one reader’s comment on Emily’s blog post that I had the sense of clarity I had been searching for ever since we experienced our loss. The commenter simply began her comment by saying, “Miscarriage changes you.”
Miscarriage changes you.
The words I’ve been looking for all along right in front of my face.
Something happened after our miscarriage. I feel more emotionally fragile, more aware of what an incredible miracle it is to experience a healthy pregnancy/baby and full of a deeper level of sympathy for those who experience this loss.
In the beginning, it was hard not to feel immersed in the physical aspects of life after a miscarriage because it felt like my body was rebelling against me. In the days that followed my D&C, my face and chest broke out horribly. I wore only high-necked shirts because I was so embarrassed and my face was covered in blemishes even the best concealer could not hope to hide. First trimester pregnancy cravings and aversions remained for a solid week after my D&C. I felt the weight of the 10 pounds I gained during the first trimester of my pregnancy, along with a few additional pounds I gained after our miscarriage. The bleeding after my D&C stopped for a few days and then returned. It felt like my body didn’t know what to do to heal. Beautiful pregnant bellies and excited pregnancy announcements for the month of our due date and the months following our due date were seemingly everywhere. My hormones were raging and everything felt like a physical reminder of our loss.
Everything I read about cycles returning said most women will get their period again four to six weeks after a D&C. Mine returned seven weeks later, and while a week after the predicted time may not seem like a long time, when I was already in a negative space emotionally, it felt like an eternity and made me worry about whether or not my body, the same body that completely failed to recognize our baby stopped growing (I experienced a “missed miscarriage”), would get back to a healthy place.
When my period came, I cried. I felt an overwhelming sense of relief that maybe everything would be okay. We began to talk about trying again.
Something I’ve struggled with following the loss of our baby is the continued desire to have another baby. It’s still there and it’s strong. But it also comes along with fear and a sense of guilt. What about the baby we lost? Does the desire to have another baby so soon after a miscarriage mean we’re already moving on from the baby we lost?
During a yoga class last week, the instructor told us to dedicate our practice to someone and think of them as we repeated various phrases about strength, love and happiness in our minds.
I thought of the baby we lost.
It took everything I had not to crumble on my mat. I felt such an overwhelming sense of loss and love. But I also realized, as I was driving home from yoga, that the desire to have another baby does not in any way take away the immense love I have and will always have for the baby we lost. That love will remain forever.
If there is anything positive I can take away from our experience, it is the bond I feel toward other women who have walked in my shoes before. The number of women in my personal life and the number of incredible blog readers who have come forward to offer me words of hope, compassion and strength overwhelmed me in the best possible way. The people who helped us the most after our loss were the people who shared their experiences with us so openly and I am forever grateful to them and to you. What you were to me, I want to be to others.
Truth be told, I ended up writing this blog post in my mind at 4:30 a.m. on Saturday morning before I sat down at the computer an hour later to finally put words to thoughts that still feel jumbled and confusing. Coping with a miscarriage is hard. When I try to find the words to write about it, they fail me over and over again and no words seem capable of capturing such raw and intense emotion.
As so many of you assured me, healing comes slowly with each passing day. There are good days and bad days… I’m okay and then I’m not. A little over two months after our miscarriage, I still have moments when I break down but I am doing okay.
I now know and understand something important: Miscarriage changed me. I’m softer but I am stronger.
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First, I’m so sorry about your loss. It’s difficult to put into words what women go through when we experience this.
My husband and I lost our son at 24 weeks in 2014. It is the most traumatic experience I have ever gone though.
Having said this, I, too, am changed. I love that you published these words. While many have no idea what it feels like, it is ok to be a different person having suffered a loss.
Lastly, after my loss, someone once told me , “hold onto the hope that JOY will come.” My husband and I did just that and we have a daughter who is 21 months old and a little boy who is due in July.
Oh Nicole I am so sorry for the loss of your precious son. Thank you for sharing part of your journey with me and for your beautiful words about holding onto hope. And prayers and best wishes to you for a healthy pregnancy and delivery!!
Julie, I am so sorry for your loss. This post was so beautifully written and your vulnerability is so brave and authentic.. Praying for you and your sweet family.
I am so sorry for all the pain and hurt your feeling. Being able to open up and write about it while connecting to and encouraging others is truly amazing. Xo
My heart goes out to you. Thank you for being so brave and sharing your story. I don’t think I would have the courage, but it is so important and meaningful to get these stories out there. Your writing is beautiful 🙂
Thank you for finding the courage to talk more about your miscarriage and grieving process. I’m currently pregnant with twins and in the midst of the most difficult experience of my life. I lost my amniotic fluid at 20 weeks and was told I would almost certainly miscarry within 48h to a week. I began to mourn my babies. Miraculously I’m still pregnant at 27 weeks and there is now some hope, although the best we can hope for is premature babies with lung problems. I have a 3 year old and never trully appreciated the miracle of a healthy pregnancy before. I really appreciate you talking about your experiences, as too often these things are hidden away when sharing can help others heal. I really hope that your next pregnancy goes smoothly.
Eleanor, I am praying for you and your babies. I am sure you are in the middle of such an incredibly scary and stressful time and I so appreciate you taking the time to share your experience with me and also share such kind words. You and your sweet babies will absolutely be in my prayers. <3
Julie- so beautiful. I’m crying over my coffee because this resonated with me as someone who has experienced loss as well. A dear friend just suffered a miscarriage and my heart breaks for them, for anyone who has experienced this – the sadness is like no other. But I have faith and love to guide me. Thank you for sharing, it’s important to have a safe space where we can all support one another.
Sending you hugs, Brynn. <3 I am sure you will be an incredible form of support for your friend right now.
It’s healing, isn’t it? To write about things that are hard and to process our feelings by talking about them. I have never lost a baby, but lost my mom to cancer 5 years ago. I still write about it because that way she will never be forgotten., just like your baby.
Absolutely. Writing has amazing healing powers. It almost forces you to figure out concrete words to capture emotions that feel so overwhelming and confusing. I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. <3
I am terribly sorry for your loss, Julie. I so wish deep within my soul that things like this didn’t happen. It’s so heartbreaking; and like you said, you never go back to who you were before. And that’s ok. Praying for everyone out there who has experienced a loss. And yes, like you said, pregnancy and birth are true miracles each and every time.
Julie: I don’t think wanting another baby means you are moving on from the one you lost. It’s from the LOVE of this baby that you want to try again. The love you had for her or him will come with you and that baby will be a part of the next one. My husband was born after his brother died days after he was born. He was the “special” one because of all the love his parents had for him. I also truly believe his brother lived through him. In my opinion souls don’t “go away” when the pass. They remain with us if we look for the signs.
I was just wondering how you were doing. Thank you for sharing.
I truly love that you are so open and honest with us readers about your feelings and what you’re going through. I’m sure it helps many women relate and understand they are not alone. I can’t even imagine what you went through with your loss. But hoping like you said that this has only made you stronger.
Julie,
I don’t comment often but I did want to share my thoughts today. I think this is the most honest post I’ve read on your blog. I can’t imagine how heartbreaking and brutal your loss has been, but you capture the pain and healing so beautifully. Thank you for sharing with us, as I know you’re helping so many people that are going through their own battles. I so admire bloggers that open their hearts to us, I pray that God blesses your sweet family.
Thank you so much, Dana.
A beautiful post Julie! Although I’m not at the stage in my life where I’m having children, I pray to have a healthy pregnancy. I’m sending prayers your way and hope you continue to find the joy even during times of grief.
Thank you for sharing this!
Days after reading your post about your miscarriage and feeling sadness for you, I found out at 16 weeks (at an elective gender scan) our baby girl no longer had a heartbeat as well. Thanks for posting this and making me again realize I am not alone. Loss sucks, but hearing of others who have lost as well, makes me feel not so alone, and not so crazy for feeling the way I do.
Thank you for sharing your story, Julie. You have really been in my thoughts and prayers very often these past few months. I’m glad to hear that you’ve felt comforted by your support system. I truly believe you have helped so many in sharing your story. Praying for you and your family as you continue to navigate so many things and feelings <3
It’s so hard to hear all of this, but I appreciate you being so open. Bet there are a lot of women readingthis who can relate and you’ve helped by sharingyour journey and being so honest.
Thank you for sharing this Julie. I have not had a miscarriage but your words describe how I feel. Right now I’m going through several doctors appointments, pain, and lots of bleeding. I’m being told that I might have endometriosis and all I can imagine is the possibility of having a hysterectomy at 24 years old without already having kids. It’s like you say, “I’m okay, and then I’m not.” Sending you a lot of love. <3
Thank you for such an honest and vulnerable post. Your writing is so beautiful when it comes from your heart! I can’t say I wish you would write posts like these more often, because this clearly comes from a place of hurt, but as a long time reader I do love when you cover topics that are a bit more personal. Thank you!
I’m so thankful for your posts, Julie. They’ve come at the right times, as I’ve experienced loss along the same timeline as you – we found out about our miscarriage right before Christmas last year, right before we were planning to surprise my parents with the news over the holidays. I then had a D&C at the beginning of January. After recently having started trying again, I took another negative pregnancy test yesterday, and then read this post this morning. While not wanting to share to share our loss with many people for fear of having to answer difficult questions, I’ve found it cathartic to read your posts and readers’ comments, and know that we’re not alone. I’m so sorry for your loss, but know you guys will have another happy and healthy baby when the time is right. Chase is going to be such a great big brother! Thanks again.
I am so grateful to you for sharing this post. It’s important for women (and men!) to know it’s okay to talk about what a deep loss it is and for the women, the physical things they may expect because no one ever seems to offer a whole lot on that front when you’re going through it. You get the condolences and offers to help but to others who haven’t been through it, it’s almost abstract if that makes sense. There seems to be such a societal pressure to sweep grief under the rug and get back to life as soon as possible whether you’ve never met your little miracle or lost your parent that you’ve known your whole life. Miscarriage does change you. Death changes you. There is no time limit on it. Big hugs to you!
Julie, I just wanted to say THANK YOU a million times over for writing your first post about your miscarriage, and this post. I suffered a missed miscarriage at 8 weeks at about the EXACT same time as you. It sounds like our emotional experiences were acutely similar, and continue to be similar. I agree that it changes you. But, I applaud your ability to connect with your emotions and share them here. Hearing your experience mirroring mine has been profoundly comforting. Peace and love to you and your family.
I wish that you didn’t have to go through what you have gone through – but I know from reading the comments on your posts that you have absolutely helped more than few women feel less alone. I think that your desire to try for another child is only natural – it’s life, all of these conflicting emotions – and I think that you can carry on all of the love you had and then some to your next pregnancy.
You are so brave for sharing this. Thank you. Your words give me strength and remind me to open up about the things that are making me feel overwhelmed with emotions.
I have not had a miscarriage, but I did lose my dad at a young age, and I know what you mean about the bond that forms between you and someone who’s been through the same thing. Im actually grateful today that I’m a part of the “I’ve lost my dad club” because I can be there for others, and I am a survivor.
You are amazing. And strong. And so brave and courageous. Thank you for showing us that it’s okay to cry and share our truth!!
Hi Julie – Thanks for being so honest and open with your readers. You put so much of yourself into this blog and that is what makes it so great. I am so sorry this happened to you and I am sad to see the pain you are going through. Sending you lots of hugs! I agree with others who have said that your words have surely helped others…
Hi Julie. Three days ago, on Monday 4/10 my husband and I went to our fertility specialist to see the first beautiful ultrasound of our sweet baby. Only to find out I too am currently suffering a “missed miscarriage”. We are broken. We got pregnant on our second IUI, and now have to start back over, and consider IVF at the age of 26. As soon as she said those stinging words, “I’m so sorry”…I knew exactly what was going on. Miscarriage totally changes you. For one, so newly into the grieving process, this tragedy has made our marriage so much stronger. We are going back to the specialist Monday for another ultrasound before scheduling the D&C (that is if things to start to progress on their own)…and I am dreading seeing that empty space once more. When first receiving this terrible news, I immediately thought of you and your story. I instantly felt less alone, and more human. This is a pain that unfortunately too many women experience, and it completely breaks my heart. Thinking of you and your sweet family today. And our sweet angel babies<3
I feel you. Miscarriage changed me. It was an especially hard year when we lost that baby because my dad was months away from passing away. It was a roller coaster. At one point that year I remember crumbling to my knees praying (and I’m not particularly religious) that the child I did have wouldn’t be taken from me. I felt like loss could come at any second and I was suffocated with anxiety for a bit. i know what you mean about the relief of your period returning. And every month I watched as we didn’t have another baby. It took 6 months which is completely normal but every month in that state of mind was torture. I got pregnant again but every day of that pregnancy was hard for me. Wa everything alright? Would the baby be alright? He’s here now almost 9 months old in my arms. And while I’d love to try one day for a third, I won’t. Because the potential for loss and the anxiety are too much for me when I think about it. And the two little guys I have are a miracle. If I hadn’t had that miscarriageni don’t think I would think i would be so anxious. It for sure changed me.
So true! Our first pregnancy actually ended in a miscarriage. I was a mess- like bad. I had hormone issues, I was depressed and just overall sad. All I can say is thank goodness for my husband! He really was the rock that got me through the dark time of losing a baby and finding out we were expecting again. (Also we planned really fun trips and did stuff with us which was amazing)
Then when we found out we were pregnant again I was SO nervous it would happen again. This time God blessed us with our sweet, perfect little boy Quinn. He is the BEST!! I still think about that baby we lost- the love and how I am still that babes mama. I think about what they would be like and we even still talk about them on the day they WOULD have been born (June 11). I also think now I wouldn’t have my Q and that is the baby that was meant for us- does it make it easy NO but I truly believe that he was the one for us. As we plan for #2 I find the feelings returning of what if we lose this baby?
I openly talk about my miscarriage to everyone. Its not easy but I agree that if it helps one person not feel alone its worth it. I actually met one of my best friends about 5 months after our miscarriages (they were about a week apart). Let me tell you the tears of JOY we shared when we found out she was expecting again! (I was pregnant when we met). Its those moments that define you- we have gone through new mommyhood together and the pain of loss AND the joy of new babies!
Thanks for sharing!
Julie, I’ve been an avid reader of yours for over seven years now ( I still remember your wedding posts) and this always brings tears to my eyes. I’m so truly sorry for your loss. I’ve never experienced a miscarriage, so I cannot relate to that, but as a mother I can only imagine how you must feel. Thank you for being so transparent in this space. You are such a wonderful person. You have so much love and support and I know you are helping so many women all over cope with their losses as well.
I thought of you as I was reading Emily’s post. I am glad you have a connection with her – as I am sure it’s comforting to share such a sorrowful experience. You have every right to be sad and also every right to be happy.
You are right that these things change you – I am more compassionate to others and sympathetic now after a traumatic health scare last year. It was (is) a tough journey, but I am glad to be a stronger, perhaps better person on the other side.
Keep sharing, your words mean a lot to others. Love to you and your family!!
Hi Julie,
Your message is so right on. Miscarriage changes you. I had a miscarriage my first pregnancy and my view of healthy babies and pregnancy will never be the same. We now have a 7 month old baby girl and I am reminded daily about what a gift she is.
It took me a long time to process our miscarriage. I would be “okay” and really not okay. I bought a book on amazon called Grieving the Child I Never Knew. Its a christian based book and I highly recommend it.
I have followed your blog for years and don’t comment too much, but I wish I could send a big virtual hug.
We are changed, but we are stronger and perhaps a little more fragile which may be a good thing after all. <3
Thank you for this recommendation. I appreciate it! And thank you for sharing your story with me. I am so sorry for the loss of your first baby. <3
As a woman, and a mother, my heart goes out to you!
Thank you Julie! Your post really resonated with me. I lost my first pregnancy at 8 weeks two years ago and my second pregnancy at 24 weeks last August. No living children yet and I just turned 30 and have been married almost 6 years. Talk about a toller coaster! It also took me >12 weeks to get my period back after each loss, which was another reminder that my body couldn’t do what it was supposed to! Im glad that you are sble to reflect on your loss and i hope the bad moments continue to become fewer and shorter.
I remember reading about your miscarriage and feeling so sad for you. We had just found out we were pregnant and I couldn’t imagine. Well a month later we went through our own miscarriage and it was heartbreaking. I didn’t even want to THINK about having another baby. I didn’t feel like I did anything wrong and I found so much hope and amazement when I looked at my son (also a Chase). I knew my body could get pregnant and stay pregnant every day I looked at my son. I appreciated my body so much more every time I looked at him. Babies are such miracles! I do get sad still. A family friend also had a miscarriage and got pregnant soon after and said it would be her 3rd pregnancy. That made me sad, to think about that. Like wow when we do get pregnant again that will be the 3rd time my body has done this but I only have two babies to show for it, that made me sad. But something my mother in law said to me (had 2 miscarriages one before her oldest and one before she had my husband) if she wouldn’t have had those miscarriages she wouldn’t have had the kids she did. That really made me think and put it in a different perspective.
I appreciate you talking about the physical part of the miscarriage. I did not have a D&C and bled for almost 2 weeks. The passing was awful and painful and emotionally destroying and you dont hear about that at all. I have also had to do blood draws until my HCG levels get back to 0. Last week it was 12 and this week I got my period so I am guess they are back to 0 now.
Your body knows what to do, you will have another beautiful child and it will always remember the baby you never had. Thank you for writing about this. I will continue to pray for healing for you and your family.
I cannot imagine what these two months have been like for you and Ryan. All my heart and love goes out to you. Thank you for your transparency. So many people love you.
Oh my goodness. Thinking and praying for you all! This hurt my heart:(
Julie, you have written about your heartbreak in such a beautiful way – a way that summarizes so many of our thoughts and feelings. We experienced a misscarriage and it does change you. It brings about a new sense of fragility but also a new sense of how precious life is no matter how little the life is. To be so open with this hurt brings so much healing to everyone around you and we all hope it allows you to continue the healing process. Praying for you and Ryan!
Hey, Julie! I have been there too… and I have also changed. Once of the things I try to remember is that this is a reminder that life is so fragile and that I want to be mindful and appreciate everyone special in my life. I also try to appreciate my body and all that it can do. Perhaps it wasn’t a “missed miscarriage,” but rather your body trying to give as much as it could for as long as possible. So proud for you and for all women who struggle through this. It is so hard, but we are so strong.
Karen
Beautiful words Julie
Oh mama, it is hard. It’s still quite “fresh”, or recent, for you, too. Time does help, but you must try to push those negative thoughts and fears out of your head. I did the same thing after my miscarriage…. worrying all of the time, knowing I wanted another baby, but feared to be pregnant again.
Praying helps and will bring peace. God knows what he is doing and we must trust his plan. I am constantly telling myself, “He knows best.”
I had a miscarriage when my first born was 2. I now have three beautiful kiddos ages 9,5, & 1. The miscarriage was between my 9 and 5 year old and my husband pointed out that we would not have had either of those second two babies if we hadn’t had a miscarriage because God’s plan was for us to wait before having our second two children. Meanwhile, we will meet our angel baby later, not on earth.
There is a lot of comfort in hearing other’s experiences and you are very brave to share yours.
Thank you for sharing. You are brave and courageous.
While I’ve never experienced a miscarriage, I have dealt with infertility my entire adult life. I was blessed to have a child 14 years ago, but my husband and I tried for 10 more years to have another baby, and every month the heartbreak set in again. When the one thing you want so desperately is the one thing you cannot have, no matter how hard you try, it wears on you.
The lesson I’ve learned – go forward gracefully, love fully, and live with heart and soul.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I’ve thought of you often since reading your original post. (For example, if you haven’t seen Dancing with the Stars’ Most Memorable year episode, specifically the piece on Nancy Kerrigan, it’s beautiful.)
Having not been through this (we haven’t started trying), but having so many friends that have been through this journey, it’s incredible to see the strength and benefit of community. And I love what you’ve said… you are softer, but you are stronger.
Thank you, again, for sharing your journey with us.
XO, Jessica
http://www.semisweettooth.com
Thank you for being so open about something so difficult. When I read your original post, I was 6 weeks pregnant with my second baby (our toddlers were born only months apart) and my stomach dropped. Fast forward 3.5 weeks and I was in the same position- a missed miscarriage. I’ve re-read your previous posts on several occasions and have found solace in the fact that my feelings- both sad and happy- are shared by so many. Best wishes to you and your family moving forward and thank you again for sharing your story, there is no way to quantify what a blessing it has been for so, so many!
Oh my gosh, Stephanie, I am so sorry. I cannot believe we had such similar experiences. I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing with me and for your sweet words. Wishing you and your family the very, very best in the future as well! <3
Julie, you are so strong for continuing to share your journey. My first pregnancy in 2013 ended in a stillbirth when I was 28 weeks pregnant. I felt like my world and everything in it was pulled out from underneath me and crashed. There isn’t a single day that goes by that I don’t think about the daughter that isn’t here with us anymore. We have gone on to have to healthy boys (now 2.5 and 15 months) but, I don’t ever think my family will feel “complete.” I had people tell me at the time that the days will get easier (and they do) and the pain will be less (somedays it is) but, it forever changes you. Pregnancy is me isn’t joyful and innocent bliss as I see it is for my friends. I often find myself worrying for my pregnant friends or family. It’s hard to imagine my life without my two sons now but, I still think about what life would be like with my daughter and I think that’s completely normal. Wishing you and your family the best.
Ashley, I am so, so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I hope and pray we will have more children one day and, like you said, I am scared about what a future pregnancy will mean for me emotionally because there is a very real fear there that wasn’t there before. I am so glad to hear you have two healthy boys but I know nothing will take away the pain of losing your baby. Thank you for sharing with me. <3
This. All of this. My two miscarriages were over four years ago and I’m now blessed to have two little boys, but I’ll forever be changed by the babies I never knew and I still tear up when I hear about others having miscarriages. Thanks for sharing your story! It helps others more than you’ll know.
Oh Julie, I’m so thankful you’re sharing your experience. I had been wondering how you were holding up, and were hoping you were doing okay. I know your heart is aching – aching more than my own has ever ached. I have been thinking a lot lately about the fear I have in trying for baby #2. That God gave us a perfectly healthy baby the first time around, but who’s to say we’ll be as “lucky” the second time? Now that I’m a mom, I feel like I’m so much more aware of what could go wrong, and all of the bad things that could happen in the blink of an eye. I love that you said you’re changed, and softer – but stronger. You are definitely stronger, my friend. I can tell writing your feelings down is therapeutic for you 🙂
So much of this is true – thank you for writing about it. I lost my first child in December… Well actually I never know what to say since the day before Christmas Eve the Doctor told me my baby wasn’t “viable”, but I was still pregnant for a week or two until I naturally miscarried… I HATED my body during that time and directly following. I loved and wanted that baby so badly yet had no control over it! Then the awful symptoms you mention – as if losing a child doesn’t hurt enough the body breakouts and fluctuating hormones are very real!! After the loss I realized even MORE so how important a family was to me – and how ultimately it wasn’t in my control, so even though it hurt I knew as soon as I got the okay from my doctor I’d want to try again. I know there is some guilt from “moving on”, but I truly believe having a family is the greatest life blessing so I put faith in God to continue. I know in my heart trying again does not diminish the love I will have for my first child and what miscarriage taught me. I will never take my children for granted.
You are right though, it changes us.
Yes, yes, yes. Everything about this post is amazing. I had a miscarriage and haven’t been able to conceive again since. I am a completely different person than I was when we decided to stop preventing pregnancy, and even a different person than I was when we starting trying to get pregnant again afterwards- I am so changed. It feels like a cruel joke and there are no answers (medically) for why it’s happening. Now we are doing fertility treatments and even if I get pregnant, I will be terrified of losing it. Your post resonates with me so much, thank you!
Thank you for sharing, Julie. I have wondered how you were doing. We are just over two years since our loss by a ruptured ectopic pregnancy. We are forever changed!
YOU ARE STRONG
Julie–The first time I read your post that you miscarried, I had just found out I was pregnant with our first baby. I was overwhelmingly excited to be pregnant. It was something I had wanted since we got married a year and a half ago. A month later at the end of February I started spotting and cramping. I knew it wasn’t right, so we went to the ER late that night to find out the baby had passed at 7.5 weeks (I was around 9 weeks). I miscarried naturally, but there is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about our sweet first child in heaven. I have been dealing with horrible headaches, back pain, chest pain, and even abdominal pain. I got the flu a few weeks after I miscarried, but right now I’m scared that maybe there is something else going on. I’ve been to the doctor more than 6 times this past month trying to figure out what is the matter. I desperately want to feel normal and for my husband and I to try again soon. I hope that you and Ryan will be blessed with your second child very soon and I know that anyone that experiences a miscarriage does feel emotionally changed forever. Hang in there and know that you are not alone.