Continuing to write about how we’re doing in the weeks and months following the unexpected loss of our baby at 12 weeks has proven challenging. I find myself wrapped up in feeling inadequate and somehow not qualified to share my feelings surrounding our miscarriage because I feel a sense of responsibility to write words that resonate with other women who have been there before, especially those who have been through multiple miscarriages or losses further along in pregnancy. It’s stifling to my writing but also, I’m beginning to realize, a self-imposed sense of writer’s block that doesn’t need to be there.
When I read Emily’s blog post about her two miscarriages last week, I began sobbing. I cried tears I desperately needed to cry. Tears for Emily and her horrific experiences, tears for the baby we lost in January and tears for the tiny heartbeats and fuzzy ultrasound pictures so many wish we could will and pray into healthy babies.
It wasn’t until I read one reader’s comment on Emily’s blog post that I had the sense of clarity I had been searching for ever since we experienced our loss. The commenter simply began her comment by saying, “Miscarriage changes you.”
Miscarriage changes you.
The words I’ve been looking for all along right in front of my face.
Something happened after our miscarriage. I feel more emotionally fragile, more aware of what an incredible miracle it is to experience a healthy pregnancy/baby and full of a deeper level of sympathy for those who experience this loss.
In the beginning, it was hard not to feel immersed in the physical aspects of life after a miscarriage because it felt like my body was rebelling against me. In the days that followed my D&C, my face and chest broke out horribly. I wore only high-necked shirts because I was so embarrassed and my face was covered in blemishes even the best concealer could not hope to hide. First trimester pregnancy cravings and aversions remained for a solid week after my D&C. I felt the weight of the 10 pounds I gained during the first trimester of my pregnancy, along with a few additional pounds I gained after our miscarriage. The bleeding after my D&C stopped for a few days and then returned. It felt like my body didn’t know what to do to heal. Beautiful pregnant bellies and excited pregnancy announcements for the month of our due date and the months following our due date were seemingly everywhere. My hormones were raging and everything felt like a physical reminder of our loss.
Everything I read about cycles returning said most women will get their period again four to six weeks after a D&C. Mine returned seven weeks later, and while a week after the predicted time may not seem like a long time, when I was already in a negative space emotionally, it felt like an eternity and made me worry about whether or not my body, the same body that completely failed to recognize our baby stopped growing (I experienced a “missed miscarriage”), would get back to a healthy place.
When my period came, I cried. I felt an overwhelming sense of relief that maybe everything would be okay. We began to talk about trying again.
Something I’ve struggled with following the loss of our baby is the continued desire to have another baby. It’s still there and it’s strong. But it also comes along with fear and a sense of guilt. What about the baby we lost? Does the desire to have another baby so soon after a miscarriage mean we’re already moving on from the baby we lost?
During a yoga class last week, the instructor told us to dedicate our practice to someone and think of them as we repeated various phrases about strength, love and happiness in our minds.
I thought of the baby we lost.
It took everything I had not to crumble on my mat. I felt such an overwhelming sense of loss and love. But I also realized, as I was driving home from yoga, that the desire to have another baby does not in any way take away the immense love I have and will always have for the baby we lost. That love will remain forever.
If there is anything positive I can take away from our experience, it is the bond I feel toward other women who have walked in my shoes before. The number of women in my personal life and the number of incredible blog readers who have come forward to offer me words of hope, compassion and strength overwhelmed me in the best possible way. The people who helped us the most after our loss were the people who shared their experiences with us so openly and I am forever grateful to them and to you. What you were to me, I want to be to others.
Truth be told, I ended up writing this blog post in my mind at 4:30 a.m. on Saturday morning before I sat down at the computer an hour later to finally put words to thoughts that still feel jumbled and confusing. Coping with a miscarriage is hard. When I try to find the words to write about it, they fail me over and over again and no words seem capable of capturing such raw and intense emotion.
As so many of you assured me, healing comes slowly with each passing day. There are good days and bad days… I’m okay and then I’m not. A little over two months after our miscarriage, I still have moments when I break down but I am doing okay.
I now know and understand something important: Miscarriage changed me. I’m softer but I am stronger.
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Julie,
I hope that you can keep reminding yourself that 1. You are not alone 2. It’s not your fault 3. It’s good to mourn your loss 4. Time heals all 5. Moving forward is healthy and doesn’t diminish your love or sorrow. When I saw your post I just broke down. I have lost 7 babies due to miscarriage. It’s an ugly and confusing process. It never got easier, in fact it just got harder and harder the more I had. What I learned is that I am not alone in my anguish. There are so many women out there just like me suffering through it. You’ll get a lot of advice during these times but I want you to know that it’s good to mourn. It’s good to cry and take time to heal. I am the proud mother of two healthy kiddos. There is always hope. There is always sunshine and rainbows after the storm. I wish you all the best! <3
Julie, your honesty, openness, and vulnerability are such a thing of beauty. God gave you a voice and you are using it well. I cannot even imagine the hardship and struggle you’re going through but you’re still so positive and warm. It’s such a nice reminder that even through hard times we must keep our heads up… not ignoring the pain, but acknowledging it and powering through.
Thank you again for sharing. Warmest of thoughts and prayers continue for you and yours.
Thank you for writing this post — it really resonated with me this morning. We experienced a miscarriage late Fall of last year, and we’re coming up on our due date month in May. I feel like I’m in a good place right now, but that due date is always stuck in my mind. I had no idea what kind of hormonal shift I was in for after the miscarriage, and my body took a few months to get back to normal, which also made me fearful. Hugs to you!
“I’m softer but I’m stronger.” How true those words are. I think as we experience hard things in life, this is what God wants for us. To be softer and stronger.
Thank you so much for sharing these words. Be as gentle on yourself as you are hoping the other women you are reading about are on themselves <3
We lost our first baby at 23 weeks:( It’s so hard to go through, but time heals all pain!
Lots of hugs. I can not begin to imagine what you are feeling.
Thank you for sharing how you feel to us and know we are (virtually) here for you.
I cry every month when my period comes as my husband and I have been battling with infertility for over seven years and were told we never be able to have a bio child of our own.
Amy, I hope you don’t mind me sharing this page with you:
https://www.instagram.com/jane_johnson/
She and her husband spent ten years trying to have a baby and her words may be of comfort to you on your journey.
Julie,
Your words are honest. I can totally and completely relate. It has been 4 and half months since the loss of our sweet babe at almost 8 weeks and it remains a part of me, like it’s engraved on my soul. Words cannot describe the joy I feel having experienced carrying a baby when I, at times, had given up the dream of doing so. They also cannot describe the sadness that remains with me. I remind myself that it is His will, not mine, that I want to be done.
Praying for joy in the mourning for all of us who have lost a baby!
Jess
I am softer, but I am stronger….Those are the words I have been looking for. I have had two miscarriages. Each one broke me and made me more vulnerable. However, I came out of it knowing that I was stronger for making it through such a hard time. Thank you so much for sharing your story. This is often something that is just brushed under the rug and not spoken of.
<3
I miscarried my second pregnancy in January 2016. I got pregnant again about 7 months later and am due in a few weeks, and can totally relate to the complicated feelings that come with pregnancy after miscarriage. I am very, sometimes painfully, aware that the baby that is about to be born only exists because I lost the last baby, and that is really weird. I have at times struggled through this pregnancy with feelings of guilt wondering if the baby I’m carrying is replacing the baby I lost, but I’ve realized that this is not the case. Rest assured that no matter what the future holds you will always love the baby you lost and you were the very best mother you could be to that baby for the time that you were given to nourish him or her in your body. Also, the best thing to come out of this experience will undoubtedly be that you will be able to be a light to many, many others who will go through the heartbreak of miscarriage in the future. I have felt so blessed to be able to walk with others through their pain even as I am still experiencing it myself at times. Lots of love and hugs to you and your beautiful family!!
Thank you so much for this beautiful comment, Liz. I really, really appreciate your words. I’m so sorry for your loss. And I wish you the very, very best in the final weeks of your pregnancy! <3
I don’t have any kids yet, but this post really touched me. It is incredible how motherhood and love can be something really big and strong within us.
Julie, you are very brave. Not only for going through this experience but for being able to talk about it. I truly wish you the best for you and your family <3
I just wanted to add my thanks for writing this post. It can only help for women to be more open and honest about these struggles. Thank you for being brave, and for helping some of us with similar struggles have a voice. Sending lots of good energy and hugs your way!!
Sending lots of love your way <3
Julie,
I’ve been reading your blog religiously for the past four years, but have never left a comment. I just wanted to let you know that you are such a strong and compassionate role model to me, and I am inspired by your bravery. Your honesty about the struggles of losing a child touches my heart. I send you my love and my prayers (and good vibes).
Thank you Julie. I read about your miscarriage a few months ago, and really felt for you. It has always been my biggest pregnancy fear (obviously). Then we finally got pregnant after a year of trying (we already have a daughter)! I was so excited. I lost the baby after 6 weeks, and now I’ve been there. I’ve seen my worst fear realized. Because it was so early on I feel like I can’t mourn the loss. It wasn’t 8 weeks, or 12 weeks, it was only 6.5. I felt like there was no way I could be as upset as someone who’d experienced something worse.
I shared the news of our miscarriage publicly, but the people around me haven’t been through it before, which leaves me feeling even more alone. We are going to try again when the time comes, my desire for a second child hasn’t wavered. It feels bad, moving on so fast, but we’ve always wanted more children, and getting pregnant this time was so difficult. It’s likely it will take some time again. Having a miscarriage has made me so much more appreciative of just how easy getting pregnant was the first time, and thankful for the pregnancy I had. All the best to you on your journey.
Alyssa, I totally understand your feelings. It’s confusing to feel like we cannot share the loss we feel when we know others have experiences loss farther along in pregnancy or multiple miscarriages. It’s something I absolutely struggled with (and tried to convey in the beginning of this post) but then I realized that losing a baby at ANY stage is incredibly emotional and devastating. I am so sorry. Sending you so much love and prayers for your future.
Such a moving and powerful post, Julie. Sending you SO much love.
Dear Julie,
Reading your post is so emotional. As a reader, I’ve wondered how you and your husband are doing. That’s one of the downsides of not getting to meet people we “know” through social media. I admire your willingness to share the reality of what you went through. Sending you prayers and positive thoughts as you continue to process and heal from your loss. <3
Your writing is so beautiful and your words mean so much , thank you for being so open and honest and sharing your story . Sending you so much love xo Fiona
Thank you for sharing this, there is so much truth in your words and your story truly has helped me through my own miscarriage. Reading about your journey soothes me at a time where I don’t feel comfortable confiding in others. So thank you again. I hope that your miracle rainbow baby comes soon.
Thank you for sharing your story. We just had our 12 week ultrasound and found out that the baby’s heart stopped shortly after our 10 week appointment. I had the D&C today and am struggling to process everything. It helps a little to know that I’m not alone. Wishing the best for you and your family.
Oh Jennifer I hate that you are going through this right now. You are absolutely not alone. It’s devastating. And one thing one of my closest friends reiterated to me was to recognize that your hormones are going to be all over the place for a while. Even now, two months later, I see just how intense my emotions were in the weeks following my D&C and the way my body physically responded was also unexpected. I am sorry we now have this in common, but please please email me or reach out if you need a little extra support and love. I’m so sorry for your loss.
Julie,
Your honesty helps so many women. I had a miscarriage and got pregnant about 6 months later and now have an almost 3 year old boy. After my miscarriage I kept feeling like I needed to move forward and would feel bad about getting upset so much. One of my best friends reminded me that there is no timetable on grief. Those words gave me comfort and allowed me to just feel what I needed to feel. 4 years later, I still think about that baby, can and will cry when I think of them and will never forget them. You are so strong for sharing your feelings and I know I am not the only person who appreciates them. Thank you
Julie,
I have been reading your blog for a few years and was so sorry to read about your loss. I actually found out I was pregnant for the first time a couple weeks after your original post. Last week, I found out it was an ectopic pregnancy and was devastated. Your words have been so refreshing to read. It helped me realize I am not alone and that there is hope, along with a new fear, for the future. I wish you all the best. Thank you for your honesty. I completely agree with the sentiment “softer, but stronger”.
I am so sorry, Jillian. Sending you support, love and prayers. <3
Thank you for this post, Julie. Sometimes it is hard to share difficult events that we have gone through and we feel like we have to put a smile on our face and “be okay”. My little rainbow baby is sleeping right next to me as I type this. I love him with my whole heart and can’t imagine life without him. But I still cry over my lost baby. I know I will always feel that loss. Every time Princess Kate and Prince William post a new picture of their Baby Charlotte, it is like a dagger to my heart, knowing she and I had been due at the same time. All May babies are tough for me, as crazy as that may sound. Everyone is impacted by loss in a different way. We feel the loss because we loved so much. I remember sobbing at facebook pregnancy announcements around or after my due date and wailing, “What about my baby?” It is so hard. I promise you though, it will get easier. My first ultrasound for my rainbow baby was the most surreal moment of my entire life…seeing that new life when I should’ve been home with a newborn. It is a far crazier feeling than I felt even with my first baby. Someone amazing and wonderful will result for this journey you are on, and the pain you have had to feel. I promise you. Hugs!
I don’t know why but your comment brought me to tears. I relate to so much of the pain you describe but am so, so happy that you have your sweet rainbow baby to cuddle at home now. Thank you for taking the time to reach out.
Thank you so much for this post. I miscarried with my first two pregnancies. It was the most devastating experience and I relate with every beautiful word you wrote. Now, I’m 23 weeks pregnant and every moment I’m scared that something will go wrong. You are exactly right, miscarriages change you. But you are not alone. Thank you so much again.
Thank you for sharing this with me, Jenny, and for your kind words. Prayers for a healthy pregnancy and delivery. <3 <3
You are qualified just by being human and going through this experience. So sorry for what you had to go through to get here. Was thinking of how you were doing about this just last night as I was replying to several of your posts I’d missed “live”. There is no “right” way to mourn, no “right” way to feel, no “right” thing to have to write. Anything you feel or say is right because it’s born from your genuine experience, so don’t compare and contrast yourself to other people. Just embrace yourself, and love yourself, and let yourself need or feel whatever you need to. There’s not even a right way for me to reply to this except to share my genuine, heartfelt condolences and support. Just like that commenter on Emily’s blog, who said just the right thing to help you handle a piece of your grief, somewhere here, someone will say something (now or later, or in your personal life) that will help you handle the next piece. Cheers to you getting and hearing exactly what you need, when you need it. I’m in your corner. We’re all in your corner. <3
I han two miscarriages, both at 12 weeks, and then went on to have two healthy pregnancies. I always had faith I would have a baby, but the first pregnancy I was a wreck until about 16 weeks. My babies are now grown 35 and 37 year old women! I think the miscarriages were, in a way, a gift. They made me realize what a gift a healthy pregnancy is and never to take anything for granted. You will be fine. Your family will grow. And you will be that much more grateful.
This is beautiful! You are so strong for sharing your emotions and your truth. It is so hard to put our heart out for everyone to see.
I think you wrote this for me.
I had my first ultrasound at 8 weeks and 5 days on 4/4 and there was no heartbeat. I went back on 4/11, Tuesday, and still no heartbeat. We did blood work to verify, but my doctor was pretty confident.
I went back yesterday for the second panel, on what would have been 10 weeks, to find that confirmation. My HCG levels had dropped.
I’m struggling. This was our first. Miscarriage does change you. I will never be the same after this.
Thank you for writing this. My heart broke for you when you wrote the first post but a few weeks after you I experienced a miscarriage at 5.5 weeks. While I wasn’t as far along and my body started the process on its on….it will always be my baby. I found myself. like you, feeling guilty that I was feeling ok and ready to move on. I didn’t want to forget that sweet life that I carried for even such a short time. As a believer I know that there is a perfect plan and we just have to be patient and wait for the right time. I truly trust that the baby and us were being protected from something we may never understand. Miscarriage does change you. I will never be the same but it’s also opened up a ministry for me to love on other women experiencing the same thing.
One thing I would be interested in is hearing your husbands perspective. My husband was so good and took care of me but he processed those emotions a little different and often at times felt left out because most men don’t reach out to each other. He struggled with thoughts like he was making a big deal out of nothing even though it really is a loss just like anything else.
You are so right. Although i am 6 years post miscarriage, and it’s no longer raw emotion, it forever changes your perspective. Hang in there girl. It will get easier ❤
Julie, you are such a strong and wonderful woman. Hang in there–and when you feel sad, turn to things you love; listen to music, take Sadie and Chase on a walk, call your mom, hug Ryan tight. You have such a great support system! Your family will continue to be in my prayers!
I hope you know how often I think of you, my friend! Sending you the biggest hugs and kisses. <3
“Miscarriage changed me. I’m softer but I am stronger.”
Such a great line. Thank you so much for this. I’ve had two miscarriages, one before each of my living babies were born. It’s so hard to move on and that line sums up the emotions so well!
beautifully written and so brave. i send many prayers and hugs <3
That was so beautifully written, and I’m sure it will help many women going through the same thing <3 My heart goes out to you and your family as you continue to heal from your loss.
Julie–I’m here in heart with you having had the same experience 12 years ago. I was alone and had nobody. His father left when he found out I was expecting. Sometimes you don’t need words…just an understanding friend. Please email me if you would like to have my phone number and when it gets hard call and we don’t have to speak. We can stand in silence or cry together. It’s alright and normal 🙂 I’m here
Julie, thank you for sharing. Again. You are not alone and so many women feel alone. I know your words are touching many.
Thank you for sharing such a personal aspect of your life. Sending so much love your way.
Thank you for sharing your story. Your genuine nature comes through in your writing and I so appreciate the emotional energy you put into your writing. Sharing your hardship and your resounding strength is an inspiration, we all have our ‘hard’ and realizing that brings connection. And connection is health. Take care.
“That love will remain forever.” This could not be more true and nothing you do moving forward will change that love that you feel for your child. Let yourself feel what you need to feel and work through the pain.
I am going through a miscarriage right now and came back to ready this ?? thank you for sharing your thoughts! I am having the same guilt about thinking about trying again 🙁 ?
I’m so sorry for your loss, Kristin. <3 Thank you for commenting and sharing this with me. xo
I’m glad you wrote this—I also chose to blog about my miscarriage last month as a way to connect to other women who have gone through the same, and it helped enormously.
But I’m glad you wrote this two months after the fact because it helps to validate the feelings I’ve been having lately as I continue to go through the healing process. It seems like everyone is now starting to announce that they’re due the same time I would have been due, and I just got a call from my doctor saying that my HcG levels are still not dropping…they’re almost as high as they were when I first found out about my miscarriage 6 weeks ago. It’s all a process, and since it’s not one that’s intimately shared, it can often feel lonely. Thank you for sharing your experience so that I feel less alone in mine.
Many thanks for your open words. It is so important to talk about this topic. And I’m proud of everyone who share their story. In the last few years more and more of your bloggers write about their experiences with misscarriages. I’m glad all of you did. Because you are the voice of so many woman who struggeled with the same pain and fears.
I have experienced the same. Two years ago I was pregnant with our first child. But in week 19 our little girl had other plans. She would not stay with us. Until now nobody knows why. I had to deliver the little one and my heart broke in pieces. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. And I thought the crying will never stop. But it did…after a few weeks. I forced myself to looking forward. It was hard but we did it. But yes, this misscarrige has changed me. I have a differnt view to problems. And I have a different view to my life. I’m more sensitive. I’m more aware of the little pieces in my life which makes me happy. And now I’m more than happy and thankful to be a mom of a wonderful healthy 7 month old babygirl. She is our rainbowbaby. But we will never forget the first one.
Thank you for sharing this tough trial with us. I could relate to everything you said. I miscarried at 13 weeks in January as well (1 year ago) and it was honestly one of the toughest times of my life. I found it hard to find the words to express the sadness and loss I was feeling. I felt very alone at the time and this post would have been extremely helpful for me just so I knew I wasn’t alone, so thank you and I’m sure it has already helped many.
I could relate to everything. The extra pounds, the cravings, the feeling of being inadequate. and I can’t thank you enough for writing what you did. I had 3. And 10 years after the first one, I still think of our babies multiple times a day. I remember waking in the morning with such a sorrowful heart – and then I’d remember why. It was devastating. You are not alone friend.
I know this is a late response, but I am so sorry for loss. Almost a year later for me I have found myself in dark ways and it’s hard to get out of that mood. I too went through miscarriages, 3 in just one year. The last pregnancy was the furthest I have been @ 10 weeks to come to find no HR. I was devastated! And to top it all off, my period didn’t come back after my D&C for 8 months. Felt like I had no closures up until that point. I would like to thank you for sharing something so personal. Made me realize I am not the only one. Your blogs have really gotten me through the dark days and still are. So thank you so much! Our Angels are looking down on us. <3
thanks for all youve written about this. i ended up on your site by finding a “bump” picture in Bing images, and i clicked on your website because youre the only one i find whose 32-week belly (for “Baby #3”) looks as small as mine does right now. it has made me insecure that so many people comment on how small i still am. seeing your picture made me feel better. so i started browsing through your site.
it is true, “miscarriage changes you.” it “changed” me in a way that was different than i think it would have been, if not for my abortion prior. the abortion was in 2007 when i was just out of high school. after years of back and forth on whether it had been good for me, i landed on the understanding that no, it was NOT good for me, and have grieved much…
i ended up in a self-destructive pattern after that abortion, wanting the good life of a good person, but not being able to find it, drinking lots and ending up in multiple dead-end “romantic” relationships. it took a long time to get myself HALFWAY together. got married in 2017, and i was terrified to try to have a child, for multiple reasons, but greatly because of my abortion traumas. do i deserve a baby? will i even be able to carry to term? did i mess my body up? will God allow this for me?
i was scared to find out, but we finally attempted for the first time on Thanksgiving 2020, and it worked! i was excited… starting to connect with my baby, singing songs in the car thinking of the fact that Baby is learning these songs, sharing my joy with my husband, and getting ready to share the news with others. but i only made it about a month before my definite little baby left me, and too small yet for me to discern it as my body ejected it all. the day that i had gone to the doctor to confirm my pregnancy, and saw bleeding, and thought it must be implantation bleeding, was the day that as the hours passed, my miscarriage became undeniable.
it was devastating- but in a curious way. i was crying hard on the couch, but found that my tears were WAY more about the baby i killed, than the one that died naturally. i cried to my husband, “i HAD a baby that was doing just fine, and i killed that one!!!!” the miscarriage was awful, but the pain and sadness of it was basically overshadowed by grief that i still had to undo from the first baby. the one that i INTENTIONALLY got rid of. there was no guilt i could feel, through a natural miscarriage. it was soothing to know that it wasnt on purpose, and i wasnt far along. but the first one i made it to 14 weeks, and this miscarriage made me feel awful all over again, over the fact that id had a good baby and intentionally made it go away.
i feel that if id never had the abortion, my miscarriage would have felt much more like yours- guilt, sadness, wondering about who it would have been. i still am “sad” about my 2nd baby, wondering who i lost, but again it was soothing to know that this time, it wasnt on purpose, and that it was with God now, after suffering no trauma like the first one undoubtedly did.
still, the miscarriage itself made me fear all over again- i waited 3 years of marriage, was terrified to take the leap, and sure enough i lost the baby just like id feared. do i deserve it? will God allow it? i decided to put conception to the side for now.
on our 5-year wedding anniversary in 2022, we finally tried again. just like last time, it worked! the days and weeks crawled by, and that first month that was all i had the first time, finally passed… 1st trimester passed… 2nd trimester has now passed… i finally feel like i might actually MAKE it this time, for the first time, at 34 years old, and finally hold my 3rd baby.
as strong as i feel now, i know it will be absolutely devastating if things go wrong again. but despite all my trauma, it is worth getting to have this baby as long as i have, feeling it move and recognizing the feeling of actual limbs and feet and hands and such, and its better than what ive had before. i want to try to be grateful. i feel like there will be many tears of both “grief and joy” when this baby is born, even if its perfectly healthy. im really praying that ill get the sweet relief of holding my baby and not having to lose this one. finally see its face and “cover it with love” like i had wanted to the first times, but never could. i will also feel guilty about my first baby, coming face-to-face with its sibling, someone who may have looked a bit like it, someone who would have been connected to it… it will be hard… but there will be joy. thank you for writing and inspiring me to write this.