Losing a loved one unexpectedly is horrible. It’s heartbreaking and devastating. When I then layer in the fact that Ryan found his dad the way he did, another layer of trauma finds its way into our grief and I feel such intense heaviness in my chest. I truthfully don’t know how to navigate everything right now.
Ryan experienced something horrific. I will never for as long as I live forget the way Ryan looked at me when I arrived at his dad’s apartment after he found his father. It truly makes me weak and overwhelmed with sadness when I relive that moment in my mind; something I cannot seem to help but do repeatedly these days.
In the past when I’ve shared some challenging experiences on this blog, a lot of the time I’ve found myself waiting until I had a good handle on them to share certain struggles with all of you. I waited until I felt like I was in a decent enough headspace to share everything publicly but my headspace right now isn’t decent and I very much feel in the thick of everything. I feel in the thick of my own grief but I also feel a rush of so much emotion when I think about Ryan. Some days I find myself craving distraction and normalcy and close friends and conversation. Other days I crave solitude, a heaving cry and holing up with my family.
I’ve also noticed something about grief. At times it almost feels like an out-of-body experience. Ryan and I both felt the desire for distraction and attended the boys’ soccer practice last week. We spoke with friends and watched our kids kick a soccer ball around on the field. I looked over at Ryan and saw him smile as he talked to another dad who did not know about Greg’s passing. All I could think about was how that father had no idea what Ryan was walking through privately behind his smile. How often are the people we come in contact with going through something heavy we know nothing about behind the scenes? A lot, I bet.
When asked “how are you doing” in passing by strangers or people I didn’t know very well last week, I found myself replying “good” on autopilot which wasn’t true but felt easier than the truth. I even tried out “okay” as a response but that got me an awkward head tilt and I quickly realized I didn’t want any follow-up questions about how I was “really” doing and so “good” became my answer again even though every time I said it, I felt the weight of what would typically be a mundane and simple question. Grief is strange.
Some things have buoyed us through our grief. I’ve always loved the men Ryan has formed close bonds with but watching his friends step up through this painful time in his life has touched both of us deeply. They’ve not only reached out to Ryan regularly but also continually contacted me to make sure he is doing okay. They’ve gone out of their way to help him not only through emotional support but also through tangible action; connecting him with the necessary professionals to help us through the logistics that need to be considered after the passing of a loved one has been invaluable. They’ve planned a trip for him — his friend Ben called me to explicitly ask if I thought it was something he’d want right now — and they’ve been there for him in every sense. I remember Ryan’s mom saying “Ryan surrounds himself with the best people” years ago and it’s something that has always stuck with me. She could not be more right. His friends are gifts.
Whenever Ryan and I have walked through hard times, our boys have provided us joy, distraction and laughter in moments we didn’t think we would be able to laugh. Ryder and Rhett don’t fully seem to comprehend Greg’s passing (Ryder seems more focused on understanding what death “is” while Rhett is too young to understand) but Chase gets it more. I honestly think Chase remembering our dog Sadie’s death has helped him through losing Granddad. We explained that, just like Sadie’s body was no longer healthy, Granddad’s body was no longer healthy enough to keep working but he is not in pain and he is not hurting. Chase said he had a “funny feeling in his stomach” when we told him and we’ve reiterated numerous times that it’s okay if he feels a lot of different things. Mom and Dad are sad and our stomachs feel funny, too.
Through all of this, I feel so incredibly grateful Ryan is my husband. We’ve talked a lot. We’ve utilized help with the boys to simply go for long walks as a couple and just talk. Ryan is a fantastic communicator and it’s something he brought to our relationship that changed me. Before dating Ryan, I tended to want everything to be happy and peaceful and okay in relationships and would not want to bring up the way I felt if it wasn’t positive. Ryan quickly taught me that was not healthy nor was it the way to find a deep, meaningful connection with a partner. He made telling him when I was mad or upset or annoyed with him easy because he received my feedback. He listened and absorbed and did not get defensive.
I say all this to say that when something hard happens directly to Ryan, this is the only time I see him struggle with communication. He doesn’t like a lot of sympathy or attention poured onto him. He processes these things alone and with me within our relationship but mostly keeps the door closed to anyone outside of us. It’s thankfully something our close friends and family understand but watching him navigate his dad’s death and open up more about the swirling mix of emotions he’s going through with a few trusted people is something I think can only be a good thing. Accepting the love and support of loved ones who want to show him love and support can only be a good thing. And we’re also open to opening up to professionals if that may help or be needed in the future.
One other thing I’ve felt in past times of struggle that has only crystallized over the past few days is how blessed we are in our “normal.” I felt this deeply after our first two miscarriages when I became pregnant with Ryder and had my first “normal” ultrasound that felt anything but normal; all of the sudden it felt miraculous. After Greg’s passing, I’ve found myself praying for our “normal” again. I’ve found myself longing for simple, everyday days that don’t feel heavy and hard and cloudy. Those days will come. They always do.
I share this because it just reaffirms how blessed we are when things are “normal” and we aren’t in a season where we’re facing loss, health concerns, intense worry and grief. Something about death has a way of magnifying what is truly important. It doesn’t wash away everyday challenges but it does have a way of smacking you in the face with a heavy dose of perspective. Walking through life without feeling the weight of worrying about the health and wellbeing of the people we love and without the weight of grief on our hearts and shoulders is a gift. Gratitude has always, always been at the very core of the joy I feel in my day-to-day life and a lot of it comes from the realizations I’ve had in moments like this; in the poignantly difficult moments of life that have me crying, questioning, feeling, loving and learning.
I’ve learned in the past that joy and grief can co-exist. That’s already proven true. One minute I’m sobbing because a picture of Greg popped up on my phone; the picture of him with Ryder where I swear they look like twins.
Then, not even 5 minutes later, Rhett grabs my hand to tell me he has a “wild poopy” and a laugh bursts out of my mouth because what in the world is a wild poopy?
I’ve also noticed pictures are a weird thing right now. They simultaneously help and hurt and yet I find myself pouring over them because they make me smile and cry tears I need to cry. I’d like to share some more of my favorite pictures with you. These are photos that bring back truly joyful memories of Greg and they’re the moments we’re choosing to remember and focus our hearts on right now.
Thank you for remembering Greg with our family. We feel your love and it helps.
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Lovely photos and a wonderful memorial. love from us
Love this Julie! Wishing your family peace and normal. What a beautiful tribute.
Julie,
You are such an amazing writer and person.
I am relating to soo many of your words as I continue to grieve the loss of my Dad to cancer while my Mom is now facing cancer too. It IS a smack in the face about perspective. The photo thing is so true..but look at all the memories you have made. <3
I truly believe I needed to read this today. Sending much love and prayers your way to you all.
Oh Alison, I am so, so sorry you’re walking through the loss of your father while carrying the worry and anxiety that comes along with another parent facing cancer. That is so, so much and I’m so sorry for all the weight you have on your shoulders and heart right now. Thank you for taking the time to share this with me and also write such kind words to me, especially when you’re going through so much. Sending love and prayers right back to you.
Our love is with you all as you grieve Greg… may your memories, and the love that’s being poured into you, help you through this transition. XOXO
This is so beautifully written, and perfectly encapsulates the rollercoaster that is grief. Thank you for putting into words what many of us feel but can’t adequately express. Your tributes to Greg are so heartfelt and meaningful, he sounds like an incredibly special person (especially in his favorite roles as father, FIL, & Grandad). I’ve been praying for your family, especially for Ryan with the added tragedy of his heartbreaking discovery. Praying for peace & comfort and for more of those “normal” moments. I’m so happy your sweet boys have been bringing you lightness & joy in the midst of a devastating season. I completely agree that grief and joy can coexist. Moments like this truly emphasize how much we have to be grateful for 🤍🤍
Sending so much love to your family🩵
Sending so many prayers to you all right now. I have personally gone through this, and although things get normalish again….its a new normal, and the process is never the same for everyone. I took on a “leadership role” when it was my father, and all that keeping busy got me through the first weeks, but then during the oddest times it would come out. A random commercial, seeing a similar car to his out on the road, even seeingy friends fathers, suddently id be overcome w grief. Honestly, as i approach 5 years since hes gone, it still happens, but less and less. My faith plays a massive role in my outlook on death, so my feelings of grief are purely selfish…knowing he is so happy up there with his parents, family and frie ds gives us great comorft. Im praying for you all!
Sending many prayers to your sweet family! Hang in there! The “blessed normal” will return! 🙏❤️
That picture of Ryder and Greg is so perfect and sweet! Thank you for sharing so many beautiful family memories with us… what an honor. Your words on life and grief are so insightful, helpful and wise. I am praying for your family, especially deep healing from the trauma of Ryan finding him. Sending love from California.
Your words are beautiful and heartbreaking all at the same time. I don’t know if you have or will have a service for him, but that helped my husband immensely after he lost his dad. His dad had a military burial and there was a three week waiting window. Those three weeks were just torture for him. After the service, I could just sense so much relief and it felt like he could somewhat start to move forward.
Julie, your writing is so beautiful. Sending your family all the love.
Sending you love ❤️
I once read a beautiful analogy about grief. Sometimes people say grief is a ball that gets smaller. But it’s actually more than that.
Right now the ball of grief is large and is pushing every button inside of you. It will get smaller but then it will push one of those buttons and the grief will come rushing back.
I say this because it’s been 2.5 years since I lost my dad. I cried all the time those first few weeks. Now the grief ball will roll around and hit randomly. Like seeing your original post was a hit; a memory with one of my favorite photos of my dad and son.
Hugs to all of you. Have you read The Invisible String with Chase and Ryder? It helped my son tremendously with dealing with dad’s death. Our guidance counselor also helped him to make a memory box. He filled with pictures and stories and things that reminded him of my dad.
Wow this analogy is so powerful and so spot on. Thank you so much for sharing! Sending you much love!
I have never heard of the “grief ball” but it is so very true. I lost my father last October, and I too have a smaller ball that hits randomly. I am sorry for your loss as well. Thank you for sharing!
You are such a beautiful writer. Thank you for sharing and reminding us that we are not alone. Sending love to your family during this hard time.
Dear Julie, I was so sad to read about your father in law’s passing away💔💔 You and your family are in my thoughts. I’m so sorry you all are experiencing this loss. Praying for you all as you navigate through the grief. ❤️
This was another beautiful post and I am glad you are writing if it is a form of processing that helps you. I loved seeing all the pictures. It was kind of you to include Greg in so many of your family events over the years—I know that sometimes it can be hard to plan/prioritize someone else into the busy seasons and life of a young family, plus you had Covid to navigate too during the last few years. I’m sure whatever time you spent with him filled him up so much. And your boys and Ryan too! There are such happy and content smiles on everyone’s faces in these pictures. It looks like you all shared a lot of love. Continuing to pray for your family.
My husband is a pastor in the area and one of the parts of his job is walking people through the death of a loved one. He has recommendations of people to work with if you need any further help with logistics, planning a service, or processing (or I am sure your own pastor or the pastor at your kids’ preschool could provide recommendations and support as well). It sounds like your friends are helping out as well which I am glad to hear. Don’t hesitate to reach out if you need anything.
Beautiful pictures and memories. Wishing you all peace and healing.
Praying for peace and comfort for Ryan and your family! One of the hardest things is life is loss, but one of the greatest is love! When the time is right, ya’ll will be able to be thankful for having and loving such a great dad and not feel the loss so acutely!
Grief is like a thumbprint, uniquely one’s own. There is NO timeline for grief and the stages of grief never go in order. We will grieve our loved ones for the rest of our lives. Only in time will the grief become easier to handle.
I went through something similar with my sweet momma. Even experienced a bit a PTSD but found how to navigate it which helped immensely.
My heart is with Ryan, you, the boys and all your family.
💛
I lost my dad 6 years unexpectedly – a lot like Ryan’s dad – my mom found him collapsed – and he was healthy and only 63 years old. 5 years later, my husband lost his dad to illness but we knew it was coming.
The shock that accompanied my dad’s loss was HORRIBLE, yet watching his father die was horrible as well. I wouldn’t say either way was ‘easier’. It really hurt!
Expected or unexpected – we have our faith and we know that the Lord had plans and they are in a better place. I will pray for your family. I know exactly what you are going through.
Dear Julie, what beautiful words you wrote. Your love for Greg is so strong and intense and comes through with every word, as does the love you have for Ryan and what he is going through.
I have SO much I want to say here as we have experienced A LOT OF SUDDEN DEATH in our immediate family, but I won’t get into that. This is about you and Ryan and what you are going through. I am sending you so much love Julie. These kind of massive life events do change you on so many levels, BUT yes you will cherish all the wonderful life moments so much more and be able to put so many things into perspective going forward.
So many of us reading your blog are praying for you and CARE about you. Thank you for always being so real and raw with your readers.
Julie thank you for being so open and honest. I pray God wraps his beautiful and loving arms around all of you and Ryan’s families. Filling all with His comfort, peace and strength. Praying for all of you. Hugs from south Texas.
I’m so sorry for your family’s loss. I can’t help but think how fortunate you guys were to have him move close to you so he could spend time with your family, especially with Ryan and getting to know his grandkids. You can tell from the pictures that your family was so special to him and vice versa. What a blessing you guys gave to him in the last years of his life. My heart aches for your family as you adjust to this sudden change and loss. Keep writing when/what you feel. ❤️
My heart aches for you and Ryan. It is such a privilege for us that you include your readers in your life through this blog. I hope that every comment is a balm to your broken hearts. This poem brings me comfort when I think of my mom who passed away in 2014 – https://poems.com/poem/when-great-trees-fall/.
Beautiful pictures and words, Julie! It was so special to see what a wonderful relationship you had with Greg. Praying for your family!
What a lovely memory for your father in law, you can grasp the love he had for Ryan and your family in all of your pictures. As time goes on I hope you will find comfort in all those happy memories and I found one analogy to be very true form my grieving journey: grief is like the ocean, at the beginning harsh waves are pushing you down to the point of almost drowning since you don’t know yet how to swim, later on you feel stronger and look at a harsh wave and dive with it instead of against it and one dday you float on perfectly still water..looking up and smiling but knowing that there will be a time when those waves are trying to crash over your head again.
For me personally the pain of loosing my dad never went away completely, there will always be an empty aching spot in my heart that can not be replaced by any other living person as long as I live and maybe Ryan will feel this way too about his dad. But I hope that he will also learn to swimm in this ocean of grief that seems to be so scary and overwhelming in the beginning and I think he has the best tools to do so: a caring and supportive wife, three wonderfull wild boys full of life, strong friendships and as well as a lovely dog that needs him every day.
I am so sorry for your loss. He truly lives on through your children. I’ve always thought that all three of them look so much like him.
Julie,
Thank you for sharing the range of emotions that you, Ryan, the boys and all of your family and friends who loved and knew Greg are feeling. Grief truly is a journey and at times so intensely exhausting. Moments of little snippets of normal are gifts during such unbelievable pain. The fact that Ryan had to experience the traumatic event of finding his dad adds an extra layer to the grieving process. If I can share, my one suggestion is to definitely find a grief counselor to work with – for Ryan individually as well as for you as a couple. I experienced a very traumatic loss when I was 25 and I can remember that first year how intense the grieving process was. At the beginning, I felt like I would never laugh again, never feel joy again, never feel. happiness or peace again. Thankfully, I found a wonderful support group and also began private grief counseling and am thankful that I did. It was what I needed. Everyone is different. I am glad that you and Ryan are the strong couple that you are -that you have each other to lean on during this intense period of grief. That Ryan’s friends are so supportive and there for him. That you and Ryan have the boys to keep your minds busy when the thoughts begin to take over. My hope for each of you is that each day you find moments of peace in a great memory you have of time spent with Greg and that together as you walk this journey of grief you find comfort in the fact that you have one another to lean on and support one another. Sometimes, it might mean getting through minute by minute and some days might mean getting through hour by hour. The key is to give yourselves permission to grieve and to take the time needed to practice self care and caring for each other. Sending prayers for peace.
LOVE the sweet, sweet pics you shared! So many precious memories there. One even made me laugh in the middle of a few tears shed for you and Ryan-that one with Sadie facing forward with Chase (I think!). So cute.
I knew what you meant about reliving the look on Ryan’s face that day. When my husband’s sister died a few years ago at an early age from breast cancer, I remember and occasionally still recall, the devastated look of grief on his face at the funeral. It was something I have never forgotten and can still bring me to tears to this day if I think about it. It hurts to see our strong and often stoic (at least in my case) husbands hurt. Bless you and Ryan and family. Thank you as always for sharing your thoughts, I always am glad to hear them ❤️
Beautifully said, and the words you say about grief are so true. I lost my dad in February, and while it seems things will never get back to “normal” again, it’s the regular day to day distractions that occur amidst the grief – kids homework, playdates, work, life stuff – that seem to help a little bit. You feel a little bit more human, just with a gaping hole in your heart. It does get easier, but it’s a lot of up and down for a while. I feel for you both, and am thinking about you.
Your writing conveys such raw emotion, and I’m sending you and your family love. Beautiful pictures – the love your father-in-law had for his boys is clear! Continuing to think of you all.
This was so beautiful, Julie. Thank you for sharing and I hope peace and normalcy returns soon ❤️
So sooty for your loss. Sending prayers.
Julie I am sending you so many hugs. Grief is so hard. One thing my therapist told me that has always brought me comfort is reminding myself that grief is hard AND we will get through it. She told me grief is like a ball in a box that hurts when the ball hits the side of the box. When grief starts, the ball is the same size as the box. It hurts all the time. But as time passes, the ball gets smaller and starts to hit the sides of the box less and less. It never goes away and you never know when it’s going to hit the side of the box, but it does get smaller. Feel all the feels because every single one of them is valid. Sending you love <3
your family is in my thoughts ♡
What a beautiful tribute to Greg, and your family as a whole. I’m praying for peace and comfort during this time.
Julie,
I am so sorry for your family’s loss. My father-in-law passed away unexpectedly in early August this year. It just didn’t seem real for a long time, and sometimes still doesn’t. Truly one of the hardest things we went through. Seeing your husband grief is completely heartbreaking too. Hang in there, and yes joy and grief do coexist. Praying for you and your family.
Wonderful tribute and pictures too!
Shelby
These pictures are so sweet. Sending lots of hugs and prayers to your family.
Julie – I’m so, so sorry to hear about the loss of your FIL 😢we lost mine a few years back, tragically and unexpectedly, as well and it was so difficult to see my husband in so much pain. And also hard to manage my own grief in the midst of his. Thank you for sharing your heart and what a beautiful tribute. Give yourself loads of grace over the next few months as you grieve 💙💙hugs and prayers!
I’m so sorry… glad your sweet boys are making you smile and laugh!
Julie,
I am so sorry to hear about Ryan’s dad. Prayers for you all.