I’d also love to hear from the other parents who might be reading. What is something you wish you would’ve known before your little one arrived? I’m considering rounding up your comments in a follow-up blog post, so please share away!
What I Wish I Knew Before My Baby Was Born
- Stock Up On Self Care Items
Bless my mom and my sister for assembling a basket of self care items for me because if it weren’t for them, I would’ve arrived home from the hospital in dire need of some essentials to make myself feel clean and comfortable(ish). I was so wrapped up in having everything I needed for my baby boy that I didn’t even think about what I might need for myself after birth.
My self care essentials: Tucks Witch Hazel Pads, Perineal Irrigation Bottle, Dermoplast Pain Relieving Spray, Extra Heavy Pads
I actually had two of everything so I had a little basket of these essentials ready for me both in our master bathroom and in our downstairs bathroom. I highly recommend duplicates if you live in a house with two stories!
(Note: I had a vaginal delivery but would absolutely encourage expectant mothers to research self-care items they might need after a c-section as well, as you never know what will happen when it’s time for your baby to make their debut!)
- Your Baby Will Smile At You For The First Time Right When You Need It Most
For the first few weeks of a newborn’s life, all they seem to do is eat, sleep and cry. When they are awake you feel like your only job is to love on them and do anything possible to keep them from crying but the only feedback you get from your baby is them NOT crying. I guess you could say a baby not crying is positive feedback but it sure feels pretty darn neutral. When you’re singing, rocking, making silly faces and doing everything you can to make your baby happy and the best you get is Stone Cold Baby Face, it can be a little rough.
And then, one day, right when you need it most, your baby will smile at you. And that smile will let you know you are doing just fine.
- The Joy Is In The Moments Not The Milestones
Before I gave birth, I noticed that a lot of things new parents highlight in conversations about their babies centered around baby milestones. “Charlie is officially crawling!” “Sophie sat up all by herself today!” I assumed these moments were where the biggest amount of joy came for a parent but I was very wrong. My biggest joys have come in in the quiet of the night when Chase is cuddled close to me as he nurses after a long day. They’ve come during the craziness of everyday life when Chase lets out a loud pterodactyl squeal that makes me laugh which sets off his big gummy baby smile. Joy comes when we watch Chase kick his legs as fast as he can the minute we strip him down before bath time because being naked, in Chase’s mind, is the best. The joy bubbles up when Chase stares at Sadie, absolutely transfixed on our magical dog creature.
While there is absolutely joy in the big milestones, the greater joy for me has been in the seemingly small moments of simply spending time with my baby and watching him grow, change and observe new things every day.
A bunch of you guys recommended this app to me after Chase was born and it truly helped me feel 10,000x better many, many times. If Chase was particularly cranky, I would check the app (and still do reference it regularly!) and it would almost always tell me we were in the middle of a new developmental leap. After reading this, I felt like I could exhale again, knowing this fussy period would likely pass soon and we were in the middle of something many parents had been through before me. I also love the way the app provides ideas for ways to stimulate your baby in line with their current developmental phase.
I actually bought The Wonder Weeks book and reference it on occasion as well, but the app is so darn handy!
- Buy Nursing Clothes Ahead Of Time
Before Chase arrived, I think I had maybe one or two nursing tops and bras. Well, once my milk came in and I had a baby in my arms 24/7, clothes and bras got dirty really fast. And when breastmilk gets on your clothes, it smells! Thank goodness for Amazon Prime and Target! I immediately added a few more nursing items to my wardrobe so I didn’t feel like a hot mess walking around in baby spit up and soggy breastmilk-soaked tank tops all the time.
My nursing favorites (purchased thanks to your recommendations!): Gilligan & O’Malley Nursing Tank (I honestly have at least four or five of these now! I LIVED in them for a solid three months.), Gilligan & O’Malley Seamless Nursing Bra, Bravado Seamless Nursing Bra
I also loved button-up pajamas for the first week or two (or three…) when I wore pajamas all day long. The button up tops worked really well and I lived in this super-soft Shimera night shirt.
Now I’m in the phase where I just love big v-neck t-shirts because they allow me to keep the sleeves of my shirt on but pull the shirt up and over my neck when I’m at home and want to easily feed Chase without living in nursing/button-up clothing. (<—I feel like I’m not explaining that well, but hopefully other nursing mamas know what I mean!) I now have my favorite Victoria’s Secret Essential V-neck T-shirt in five colors (yes, that’s kind of embarrassing…) and think it’s great! I bought it two sizes up when I was pregnant to accommodate my bump but after Chase was born I bought the same larger size because I love the looser fit and lightweight feel of the shirt. It’s my favorite nursing shirt that works well both as casual daytime attire and pajamas.
- Know That What Works For One Mom Might Not Work For You (And That’s Okay!)
Read the above statement a few times. Now read it again and commit it to memory. It can be so, so easy to feel like a big fat failure when you read parenting books or hear from other parents who have had great success implementing certain strategies related to everything from sleep and play to nap times and feeding. Just because one mom had a great experience with a certain parenting method does not mean you will and if you don’t, that doesn’t make you or your baby a failure.
When Chase was a few months old, I legitimately turned to Ryan in the middle of the night after we tried our best to follow a certain sleep strategy to encourage Chase to sleep longer stretches at night and said, “I think our baby is broken,” as Chase was screaming and I was reading some horrible statistic about how basically everyone else who followed this strategy had babies sleeping through the night at 8 weeks. Not my baby! And that’s okay. We got there eventually when we – and he! – were ready.
Different things work for different babies and parents and that’s great! It can just be difficult to remember this when you feel like you’ve tried every strategy under the sun on your baby without any success. Sometimes there is no strategy and just going with the flow and responding to what you think your baby needs is the best route.
- Buy Clothes According To The Size You (Or Your Partner) Were As a Baby
Ryan and I were both small babies (Ryan was only 6 pounds) but I didn’t really think about this ahead of time. I heard a ton of people talk about how they never used any of their newborn clothes, so I had a lot of 0-3 month clothes on hand for Chase after he was born. Well, our little 5 pound 10 ounce bundle of joy was swimming in these clothes and had it not been for a few hand-me-down newborn onesies my friend Caitlin gave me from her son Henry, Chase would’ve been naked until Amazon Prime delivered a bunch of newborn clothes to our house. Consider your size and your partner’s size as a baby when buying clothes for your little one before their arrival!
- You May Feel Ragey When Someone Asks If You Think Your Baby Might Be Hungry
In the beginning, it felt like I was feeding Chase around the clock. He ate all the time and I fed him all the time, so whenever Ryan would innocently ask me if I thought Chase might be hungry when he was fussing, I felt an incredible rage course through my body. As his only food source, I was clearly the only one who could feed him and asking me whether I thought the child I was feeding constantly was hungry made me want to throw a thousand things in the direction of the person questioning Chase’s hunger, as innocent and caring as the questions may have been at the time.
- Ignore Facebook Baby Brags
Oh the Facebook baby brags! These killed me! When I was in the middle of a horrible sleep patch with Chase, I remember reading a friend’s Facebook post that talked about her “amazing little sleeper” who was sleeping through the night at only eight weeks old. Chase was four months old and nowhere close to achieving this milestone. I thought I might slam my phone into a wall while tears of sleepless exhaustion rolled down my face.
I wasn’t upset at my friend for sharing this – as a mom believe me I KNOW how amazing it feels when your baby actually does sleep through the night for the first time and it really does feel share-worthy – but when you see a share like this on Facebook, remember there are a million other moms out there in your boat… And when it doubt, remember the above quote. Everyone is struggling with something.
- The First Few MONTHS May Be Tough
People talk about the challenges that come with the first six weeks of life with a new baby. I read about the hardships new moms may face centering around fluctuating hormones and adjusting to life with a newborn. I feel lucky because I honestly felt pretty great for the first three weeks of Chase’s life and am convinced I was existing on adrenaline and my mom’s incredible help… And then Chase “woke up.” There’s a huge difference between feeding a baby who will go back to sleep in the middle of the night and a baby who eats and then wants to be up for hours at 2 a.m.
I was faced with the kind of exhaustion that brings you to tears. I kept waiting to feel less exhausted but that never really happened. It just kind of became my new normal and somehow included moments of the most intense joy and love I’ve ever felt as I held my little boy. I was surprised by just how little sleep I could exist on, though I was definitely suffering from “Mommy Brain” daily and doing crazy things like putting full cups of coffee away in the kitchen cabinet.
It took some time, but around six months, everything seemed to change for the better. We started to hit our stride. Chase started napping and sleeping better. Breastfeeding was no longer the battle it was when the distracted phase of eating hit at four months. Patterns started to emerge and I began to feel more and more like myself. Oh sleep, I missed you so much!
Some people hit their stride with their little one earlier, some people later. But I think it’s helpful to know that if you’re struggling with a baby who is no longer a tiny newborn, you are NOT alone. Not at all!
- Bladder Control Is A Joke
You guys, I did my kegels. I swear. But something changes after a baby is born that I’m convinced even the best kegeler cannot avoid. First, one thing I did not know is that an epidural can effect bladder control after birth for a few days. This is probably major oversharing, but I literally could not stand up and walk to the bathroom without peeing myself for a couple of days. I freaked out and kept asking the amazing nurses at the hospital about this and they assured me it was likely due to my epidural and I would begin to regain control of my bladder soon. They were right, but it’s kind of terrifying to have absolutely NO control of your bladder for 48 hours!
Now, eight months postpartum, my bladder control is back but it’s definitely not what it once was and I still wear active pads to the gym on days when I know we’ll be jumping a lot as a precaution! (FYI, Tena active ultra thin pads work well! And Knix Wear makes underwear specifically designed for active women who experience light bladder leaks. The underwear features a built in leak proof and absorbent liner moisture wicking and anti-odor technologies.)
- Even If You’ve Never Been A Baby Person, You Will Love YOUR Baby
I have never been a baby person. I think babies are cute and all that but I never really had the desire to hold someone else’s baby (even really good friends’ babies!) and I let this thought marinate in my head a little too much when I was pregnant. I had a good amount of anxiety about whether or not I would really feel that all-consuming motherly love you read about when my baby was born… But OH MY GOSH I felt it. And it grows leaps and bounds every single day.
The love I have for Chase is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced in my life. It’s overwhelming in the best possible way. My son is everything to me and I truly feel like the words “I love you” don’t even begin to capture the way I feel about him. He is my world and my love for him is unconditional and all-consuming.
Question of the Day
- For the parents: What is one thing you wish you would’ve known before you had a little one in your life?
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One thing I wish I knew would be: not all babies come out and breast feed right away. I tried for a month with many feeding sessions where baby and I would be in tears of frustration. My baby never latched properly. Even having her tongue tie snipped did not help. It took a lot of thought and getting over the feeling of guilt to decide to exclusively pump and feed her.
No one really brags about how well they pump for their baby. There’s still a lot of stigma around not feeding from the source. I remember being asked why I wasn’t breastfeeding (even though my baby was drinking from breast milk). It made me feel less of a mom somehow. Well after getting over that guilt, pumping has fed my baby and help her grow. She’s gaining weight beautifully and feeding time is now a joy for the both of us. Of course pumping comes with its problems but at least he friction part is just with me, not my baby.
*the friction = frustration
This same thing happened to me. We did the tongue tie snip, had one successful nursing session and then went back to the same struggles as before. I ended up exclusively pumping for his entire first year, and it is DEFINITELY something that most people don’t get or relate to. I felt like such a failure for not being able to do the one thing I thought every mom was designed to do, but in the end he never had formula and I worked just as hard as every other breast feeding mom out there. Also – I found a group on Facebook for exclusive pumpers which was a LIFESAVER – every member was so supportive and understanding. I recommend them!!
I exclusively pumped too, and found it so hard to find information about it, luckily my friend did it for her daughter but I always felt guilty when people would talk about me not ‘breastfeeding’ or feeling judged when I’d pull out his bottle even though it was breastmilk. Now he’s on formula ( I couldn’t keep up pumping for another 6 months-mama needed her life back) and I Know he’s doing JUST fine on formula too….we have to really work hard to support each other instead of feeling bad for choices that work for us and our babies! You ladies rock!
I know exactly what about mean about pumping vs. breastfeeding. My son latched for a while, but had troubles with my letdown after a couple months. I have been exclusively pumping and feeding him by bottle now for several months (he is 7-months old). Being attached to a pump all day is a huge challenge, but I am so happy to be able to feed him breast milk. You are not alone – way to go mama!
Way to go, Mamas! Exclusive pumper here, too! I so agree that there is a stigma with not feeding baby from the source. My son and I struggled – I even went so far as to see a speech pathologist to try to help with muscle development/control to make it work. In the end, we never did. I’ve been exclusively pumping for 10 months. So proud of all mamas who do it – it’s hard work, but just as rewarding as nursing;)
I agree so much with this!! My baby struggled so much with latching that I had mastitis TWICE in the first 5 weeks of his life. Mastitis, for those who don’t know, makes you slat on your back sick in bed for days. It’s awful and it negatively affects milk supply. Due to this, we had to switch to mostly pumping for awhile, in addition to formula supplementation. I think pumping is actually MORE work that straight BF-ing. Pumping mom get judged for taking the “easy” way out, and it makes no sense. I would wake up at night, feed my baby a bottle of pumped milk (or formula), and then, when all I wanted was to go back to bed, I had to hook myself up to the pump for 15 more minutes. You also have to wash bottles, pump equipment, etc.
The good news is that now, at 9 weeks old, my baby is finally good at breastfeeding and latching, so we no longer have to pump unless I want to. I think for some babies, they just need to grow a bit before they get good at BF-ing! 🙂
The best advice I can give is its okay not to breastfeed and don’t allow yourself to feel that pressure from anyone period. I had every intention of doing it but my son disagreed. I started pumping and found I was an undersupplier. I had to supplement as well with formula. Please don’t ever judge a woman because you never know their stories, their struggles!
Absolutely!! Every mom is just doing their best and making the choices that are right for them and their baby. <3
Yes I totally agree!!!my daughter never latched and while I pumped after 6 weeks I got very very sick and lost all of my milk that same week of having to go by formula an older woman took it upon herself to lecture me about how I needed to bf for the good of my child and I burst into tears. I felt like a complete failure but my daughter is 3 1/2 and doing just fine 🙂 I’m due in a few weeks with baby #2 and while I’m hoping for a better bf experience I’m not stressing over it. I learned to tell people to mind their own business!!
Leaking after baby does not have to be a permanent thing!! Pelvic floor physical therapists specialize in the muscles of the pelvic floor to strengthen and coordinate them the way they should be. Pelvic floor PT’s also help close that funny “split” of your abdomen that happens to some pregnant women- which is completely a normal part of pregnancy!! Find a pelvic floor physical therapist in your area! Some resources to find one: http://www.apta.org –> look up “women’s health specialist” in your area. Or http://www.hermanwallace.com
That no matter what you will get through it! Our daughter refused a bottle so she wouldn’t eat at daycare but would marathon feed at home. Once she started baby food she would eat that at daycare instead. While it was rough for a while we got through it and survived!! I also second the sleeping don’t compare your baby to others. Our daughter was a year before she regularly slept through the night.
For someone who is not a parent or not going to have children any time soon, these are all fantastic pieces of advice! Thank you Julie <3 Chase's cute little face makes my day when I see him on Snapchat or Instagram haha your family is GOALS.
I wish I would have known that the bond isn’t instantaneous for everyone. Getting to know your baby is like every other relationship; it can take time (months in my case) for it to really grow and evolve. It was a whole new and exciting experience once we were out of survival mode and I could get in touch with real emotions again. I loved the babe from the beginning but I had no idea what it could grow into!
I couldnt agree with you on this! I always felt guilty that I wasn’t automatically LOVING being a new mom, sure I loved him, how couldn’t I, but it took time to REALLY feel the love everyone talked about..
I was going to say this same thing! So many moms are like, “they put my baby on my chest the minute she was born and I was just overcome with so much love!,” but it’s not always like that. I was fascinated by my baby, and proud of her, and would do anything to keep her alive, but for the first few weeks, it just felt like she was an extra, needy arm, or something. I was definitely not crazy in love with her yet. I remember the exact moment I felt that rush of pure love for her (5 weeks and 6 days after she was born!) and I don’t think I’ll ever forget it. One of my girlfriends told me she didn’t love her baby right away, so I wasn’t freaked out, but it was still weird, especially since my husband was just over the moon about her.
“I was fascinated by my baby, and proud of her, and would do anything to keep her alive, but for the first few weeks, it just felt like she was an extra, needy arm, or something.” <– ME TOO. Yes.
I don't think I felt that rush of love until I got a smile around week 5 from my son 🙂 Which is okay!
I could not agree more! Especially with that “survival” mode period. It was right around 2 1/2 or 3 months where my daughter and I click and now I feel like we’re inseparable!
Completely agree with this too! I loved my little guy from day one but also felt the guilt..neither my husband nor I have ever been big fans of newborns. There are days i miss that stage and the cuddles but the smiles, sitting while playing, crawling and exploring win me over big time!
Oh gosh I totally agree, I find only now after 6 months am I like ..waaait this is why people have kids!!! I felt so worried not loving being a mom right away or feeling like I wanted to my own time, but luckily I had people surrounding me and sharing their stories which helped me feel less guillty!
THIS ALL OF THIS. This is my number one piece of advice to new mamas. I didn’t automatically fall in love with my son. I worried about him and I made sure his needs were met, but that “they put him on my chest and instantly it was love” was not it at all. It took time, and it took me facing my depression as well.
Now I adore him, but I still love doing things for me!
I LOVE THIS POST! And I’m not a mom. Thanks for sharing this Julie!
Two months pp here. I wish I would’ve known bladder control can also go the opposite way! I fully expected to leak or pee myself but the opposite was true for me (also epidural/vaginal birth). I had difficulty peeing for a good three weeks which completely freaked me out. They tell you to watch out for UTI’s or a prolapse so I had it checked out by my OB, but it turned out to be a normal part of recovery for me. I also highly agree with self care stock ups! I was lucky enough to get two of almost everything you listed from the hospital (ASK! The nurses were pleased to do everything in their power to help you out!) which definitely helped in my two story home. Venturing out to the store at one week postpartum was not something I would recommend!
Yes, what works for one baby doesn’t work for another! That’s definitely true! I’ve learned that after becoming a mother, there will always be someone who doesn’t agree with what you do or how you raise your baby. I experienced this recently when someone highly disagreed with the bedtime routine I have for my son. However, the routine that I have for him works best for our family, and that’s all that matters. I will be sure to check out that you mentioned. As a new mom, I love reading that kind of stuff!
Whoops! I meant to say I’ll be sure to check out that *app! 🙂
Thanks for your honesty! I had my first baby 10 months ago today- and I can’t believe it has somehow been 10 months already! A few things I learned with my little man:
1. Breastfeeding hurts and is hard! I guess I thought that because we’d been to the class and I wanted to breastfeed that it would be easy. Those first 3 weeks were so hard and draining. Trying to keep a baby awake enough to eat was something I wasn’t prepared for. I also couldn’t get comfortable nursing anywhere except in the glider with arms, so I spent much of my maternity leave in one chair. Thank God for Netflix on the ipad!
2. Even though breastfeeding was so hard in the beginning and I literally celebrated every month as a milestone because that meant we made it another month, now that we’ve made it 10 months I feel sadness over our breastfeeding journey coming to an end soon. We will nurse for a year and hopefully make it beyond that, but I know the days are numbered and somehow this feeling of sadness surprises me when I think back to June/July and all the tears!
3. Baby boy diaper changes- yikes! What a mess! I got peed on so many times and even though I had received the tee-pees as a gag gift, I used them (and bought more!). I learned that a cute, soft diaper changing pad cover was not practical and instead opted to order changing pad liners that can easily be tossed in the wash since he peed/pooped constantly while getting changed.
4. The power of mom support. I have been amazed at how much I turn to other moms as a resource. They’re there or have been there and this means so much. There are some great facebook groups that I’ve really counted on for middle of the night advice. “Working Moms who make breastfeeding work” is a group that has been amazingly helpful!
5. Oh the places you’ll pump! As a working mom, I’ve become so strangely comfortable pumping in the funniest places! Get a good pump (and one that doesn’t need to be plugged in if you’re on the go a lot). You’ll spend SO many hours together and it’s important to like the pump!
I’ve always been a decisive person, so it surprised me when having my baby (now 6 months) how often I would second guess myself. “Should I have brought mittens, it’s colder than I thought”, “should we stop swaddling now? Oh gosh I just read that I should have done it last month!”, “what if I’m not feeding her the best first foods?”, etc.
Thank goodness for friends, family and honest advise from the internet. But most importantly I’ve relied on my gut/mommy instincts so much more than I thought I would.
Thanks for these posts! Your sleep story gave me the courage I needed to try getting my daughter to sleep through the night.
Julie-
You hit the nail on the head on so many levels. I am a mom of two boys and I breastfed both of them. I did not realize how painful it would be at first, but you suffer through it, for the benefit of your baby. I would get absolutely furious when my husband or father-in-law would suggest that my baby was hungry at the first sound of noise. I’m sure I often said something smart back, but that is not something you want to hear.
I loved your post and I love your honesty about motherhood. Chase is so adorable!!
Some things I wish I knew before- probably to not listen to people talk about your new life with a baby… I’m like you in that I wasn’t really all that excited to become a mom. I always knew I wanted a family- a big family, but I pictured my family grown up. The idea of actually being a mom scared me to death! THEN everyone constantly saying things like “enjoy your sleep now!”, “have fun, now bc you won’t once you have kids,” etc. I feel like being a mom has been the single most amazing thing of my life, I don’t have desires for “me time” (I also work full time). So leaving my baby for a night out seems crazy to me- I cried when I took an hour to get my nails done bc I missed my baby so much. I loved waking up in the middle of the night to nurse my baby- bc I spent 10 hours a day at work away from him. My husband and I don’t even care to have alone dates without our baby bc he’s part of our family and we want him there at all times. I also wish I knew that while sometimes a newborn is hard it can actually be opposite! We were fortunate to have the easiest baby ever- for the first 6 months all he did was sleep or sit quietly playing with his toys. NOW that he crawls, I feel like this phase is more challenging bc I need to keep any eye on him constantly!!
One last thing is to not stress so much about having the perfect birth/delivery. I was set on an all natural beautiful birth… Well 40 hours later and pushing for 4 hours I ended up with a c section and the most perfect, beautiful baby boy ever! None of it mattered after that.
One more final thing 🙂 to cherish every. Single. Second. Because they grow up Soo soo soo fast and he first few days/weeks/months go by faster than you will ever think possible . And that you will discover a kind of love you never thought could be possible!!
🙂
Great post! I’ll save it for when I *hopefully* need it in the coming year 🙂
Babies don’t do what all the books say! You just have to go with the flow and work it out as you go along.
Julie, you just articulated one of my biggest fears – the final one. Bo is always the one who wants to hold babies, not me. I’ve worried, until recently, that this meant I wouldn’t be a good mom. Thank you!!
Ashley – totally normal!! I actually really loved kids before Caleb, but not necessarily babies (or newborns I should say). I still don’t have an itch to hold other young babies, but I’ll hold Caleb all day and kiss his sweet cheeks until he pushes me away (and he’s over 27lbs so holding him is killer)! You will be a wonderful mama…your love will shine through no matter what! I think Julie’s posts are 100% on point when it comes to being a new mom and managing the challenges of a new baby. Our experience in the first 6 months was tough too (I’m pretty sure I had PPD and didn’t admit to it) so it’s such a breath of fresh air when women are open and honest. It’s not all sunshine and rainbows, but wow…I would do anything for my son! Will be thinking about you as you consider this new phase of life!! Xo
That every baby is so different. You can read all the books in the world and it may not work for your baby. Also, everyone struggles, just at different things. Sometimes I feel like a HUGE failure because we still feed in the MOTN, or he doesnt nap that well all the time, or he is constantly sick (damn daycare germs), but he is the HAPPIEST baby in the world and that seems to pull me back in.
This is adorable, and pieces are hilarious… And I feel more prepared even though I’m not even pregnant. I can’t wait to have all of this knowledge available when Ray and I move into that phase of our life.
Thanks for sharing!
Xo, Jessica
Wonderful and honest post! I am not a baby person. I mean I like other people’s kids and all….
I am pregnant right now with my first little one and found this really fun and interesting to read. Thank you. 🙂
I don’t have a baby yet, but whenever you talk about how you didn’t feel like a baby person before Chase, I can relate to your fear! Now that you are a mom, do you feel more like a baby person around other babies? Are you more interested in holding and playing with friend’s babies? Just curious about this!!
Yes! Absolutely! I definitely feel like having Chase made me way more interested in other babies and made me feel WAY more comfortable around them.
Thank you for posting this!! I am due next month with my first born – a baby girl and I love all of the advice you shared!
Hi Julie,
I’m 20 wks with boy girl twins and looooved this post. I already feel so much pressure about becoming a new mom and reading this is just a reminder to put it all in perspective. I also have never been a baby person and it always has made me wonder will I like mine? Can I handle exhaustion? It’s all so scary! Thanks for the great post!
I have three month old boy/girl twins and it is amazing frustrating exhausting and the best thing to ever happen to me all rolled into one! You have no idea what you are capable off until they are here, they are double the work double the sleep deprivation but most importantly double the love!! Breastfeeding didn’t work out for us so I exclusively pumped for 3 months and now I’m back at work and after 3 rounds of Mastatsis I’m done and all three of us are happier than ever! Not to mention this mama is now back on coffee and wine??
This is the best “What to Know Before…” post I have read. I think you highlighted some realities of motherhood that others choose to gloss over. I appreciate your candor and suggestions for how a mama should prepare for her needs in advance, too. I honestly feel so ready for my baby but completely forget sometimes that my body will have special needs as well. Thank you for sharing your experiences!
1. AMAZON PRIME!!!!!!!!!! The single best thing during the first weeks and really anytime with a baby. Convenience in general is priceless. We get the Honest bundle shipments too and they are a lifesaver.
2. You are never alone. You may feel like you’re the only one whose baby had jaundice or who has to use a nipple shield or hates pumping at work or has a baby that hates drinking from a bottle (and the list goes on), but you’re not the only one. I found that once I reached out to a few of my mom friends, or my own mom, that someone has always had the same problem(s). Not that their advice would magically solve whatever the problem was, but it always made me feel better to know that I wasn’t alone in going through what I was going through.
3. Along with #2, nothing lasts forever! Whatever the problem is, even if it seems insurmountable (I’m looking at you, nipple shield), it will pass and you and the baby will get through it!
I definitely had bladder control issues post birth as well and it freaked me out! I remember running to the bathroom with pee running down my legs and having no control over it. It was awful! One thing I didn’t know could happen: my bladder got too full either during birth/right after and I couldn’t feel it due to my epidural so the bladder nerves were damaged so I lost the ability to feel the urge from my bladder of when I needed to go. I went to see a urogyno and they advised me to wait 3 months to let the nerves try to repair themselves and in the meantime I was supposed to use the bathroom every 2 hours to avoid letting my bladder getting too full which would prevent it from healing. I’m just now beginning to feel the urge to go when my bladder is full, it’s not back to normal yet.
Also, I started seeing a pelvic floor PT (who knew those existed?!) to help with leaking, etc. and she has been wonderful. Leaking after giving birth should not be the new normal for a woman. In Europe visits to a pelvic floor pt are automatically covered for postpartum women and I think it’s something that needs to gain traction here!
As a pelvic floor PT, I am so happy to hear you had success! I too believe that every single women should receive PT following child birth. This is the only time you tear a muscle and aren’t sent to PT. I am making it my mission to market and spread the word to OBGYB’s and post-partum women that leaking is NOT normal and something CAN be done. Be sure to tell your friends about your success- chances are they are leaking too, they may just not talk about it. 🙂
This is such great advice for someone like me who might be a mother one day! Thank you so much for sharing 🙂
Thank you for posting this. I’m pregnant now and feeling anxious about what’s to come. I’m saving this post and coming back closer to baby’s due date.
I can totally relate to not being a baby person, but developing an immediate unconditional love for my son. I had never been around babies growing up and was extremely nervous about how I would do taking care of one day in day out. Not everything was perfect, as I wouldn’t expect it to be, but I quickly developed a niche for taking care of my son. Some things came easier than others. Now, I feel totally comfortable with him and like I know him better than anyone – which is pretty special. Like you, I hit my mama groove around 6 months. My son is now 7 months old and I feel like I am enjoying myself and my son more and more everyday. It’s been quite a ride and I can’t wait to see what’s in store!
Great post! Loved your advice, I wish that I had known more about what to expect before giving birth. And I definitely appreciate your honesty with regards to bladder issues, I also did kegels during pregnancy but it didn’t seem to help. I have a 14-month old and still dread doing jumping jacks at the gym! For some reason, running is fine, and so is other forms of jumping. But not jumping jacks!
THIS: You May Feel Ragey When Someone Asks If You Think Your Baby Might Be Hungry! At first when I was trying so hard to nurse, one mention of my babe’s hunger was enough to put me in tears! Once I realized I could only be an exclusive pumper, I was at peace, but until then, it was best not to mention my baby’s hunger!
Julie, this post was amazing – as well as all the comments. I found myself nodding at everything all these amazing mamas are typing! More mama support posts!! Love them!
Totally agree about the comments on this one!! LOVING everyone’s thoughts and insight!
As someone who does not yet have any children, I hope i can take this advice to heart when i do! Thanks for sharing!
Loved this post! My son is about 2 weeks younger than Chase, so these really hit home.
1. I second AMAZON PRIME. I use it at least once a week!
2. Bladder control. SO glad you mentioned this. I felt like no one ever told me this (or I thought it wouldn’t happen to me!). That first run post baby…not so great.
3. Your relationship with your spouse will change and you have to try harder to be romantic. My husband is a die hard romantic, but after our baby was born and someone was literally touching me all day, all I wanted was to be alone for a few minutes. We also don;t have family in town, so babysitters are in short supply. Luckily with a 7:30 bed time for the baby, we get little “dates” every night (so long as neither of us gets caught up in picking up the house after baby us asleep) complete with candles and wine 🙂
Hi Julie! I have a 7 week old and this post has nearly brought me to tears. It makes me feel like I’m not alone going through these struggles. I did so much reading while pregnant (your Chase posts have been so helpful) but one thing I didn’t prepare for was having a fussy/colicky baby. Both me and my husband were sweet laid back babies so I assumed ours would be the same. Boy I was wrong. I just read about the P.U.R.P.L.E. phase and it perfectly describes what we’re going through. The exhaustion you describe, I’m there right now, and I too read 6 weeks is the magical age where he clouds part and everything is amazing…well we’re on 7 weeks and not seeing the light just yet. I’ve seen my love for our daughter grow each day and just tell myself it will get better.
Oh Hollie, I am sure the challenges that come along with a colicky baby are incredibly difficult. Thinking of you!! <3 I also struggled when we hit 6 weeks because I kind of assumed things would just magically get better and be a LOT easier after we hit the magical 6-week sweet spot everyone talked about. That didn't happen for us AT ALL and I think the expectation of everything improving at 6 weeks almost made it harder to deal with the continuing challenges at times.
The one thing I would share is, like posted above, not everyone has the ability to breastfeed. I breastfed my son for 2 1/2 months but it wasn’t easy. I ended up finding out, after weeks of him crying hysterically, that I wasn’t producing enough so we had to supplement. So I would breastfeed, then feed him supplement formula, then pump afterwards. I started stressing myself out thinking about how I was incapable of feeding my own child through breastfeeding. Which didn’t help my milk supply at all. It slowly started getting worse and worse until finally I had to make the decision to stop. Which felt like the hardest decision of my life. Still to this day I get upset about it but have to tell myself that I tried my hardest and our son is still just as healthy. Don’t listen to all the people out there that shame you for not breastfeeding. Trust me, these people got to me for awhile and I would burst into tears. You have your own story and your own reasoning as to why you can’t or don’t. That’s all the matters.
Loved and agreed with so many of these! I am a first time momma as well (can’t believe my baby is 3 months already!!) and have loved all of your baby posts as recommendations and what to expect! Every baby is so different, people love to give their advice but I’ve definitely tried to rely on my gut instincts a lot of the time as I get to know my babe better and better.
Breastfeeding was hard, I ended up having to supplement after a week because my milk came in late and Violet was losing weight so quickly (she was a peanut to begin with!) I cried the first bottle of formula I had to give her…I wish I wouldn’t have been so hard on myself because she was so much happier after we did that!
Also wanted to mention that I loved my mom before but wow did I have a newfound respect for her after Violet was born! She was a huge help but I couldn’t help but feel so amazed that she raised 3 of us, and she was such amazing support that I needed. Thank god for grandmas!
Yes, yes, and yes to this entire post!!!
I wish I would’ve known better to have more memory/storage on my phone for the obnoxious amount of videos/pictures I take and a more organized way to save everything!
Also, bringing the baby book to the hospital on delivery day so the nurses can put handprints/footprints in it for you 🙂
Aw, I love that idea!
Ugh I agree! Should’ve splurged on the iPhone with the biggest memory 🙁 Sidenote: if you have Amazon Prime there’s an app you can use to back everything up from your phone so you can delete photos/videos and still have them saved. The photo storage is unlimited and the video storage is pretty generous too!
Download the lifecake app! you can still upload photos from birth to current and goes in chronological order as well as videos and you can share it with friends and family! It’s an awesome app !
I relate to this entire post! “Yes, yes, and yes to this entire post” is RIGHT! Even after 7.5 months, it is nice to be reminded of these things!
Sign up for Amazon Prime! I haven’t been to a store (other than the grocery store) since Christmas, which is crazy…and awesome. I have also learned SO MUCH from my Baby Center birth club board (and The Exclusive Pumpers board and Breastfeeding Support and Help board)!
Also, keep in mind that there are multiple ways to feed a baby–formula, breastfeeding, pumping–and doing any combination of these things gets the job done, too! There are a million things to worry about, don’t cause yourself stress and make yourself miserable just because you feel like you need to do something 100%. Do what you need to do to make sure that your baby is full and thriving and move on to more important things–like spending quality time with your baby and making sure they have a happy mama!
The one about feeling ragey when someone asks if your baby is hungry – YES. I distinctly remember a time when our baby (almost 6 months now) was a couple weeks old and I escaped for a 5 minute shower (the first in, oh, 4 days??) and suddenly my husband comes in the bathroom with our crying baby and says “I think she might be hungry..” … I was FURIOUS. Seriously, that feeling is so true!
Exactly!! The same thing happened to me when I was in the bathroom for 2.5 seconds and I flipped. Hormones were already going crazy and for some reason this was something that always seemed to set me off!
DEPENDS!!! On the advice on my best friend, I bought Depends. Just do it, trust me! I just had my second child and having Depends made the recovery process so much easier. First, bladder control – it was bad with my first, it was ridiculous after my second. My first day home from the hospital I literally emptied my bladder completely 4 times and there was nothing I could do to stop it. There is no pad in the world that can hold that much fluid. Secondly, clean up was a breeze (they are even more absorbent and wick away the blood better than any pad) – just toss them and put on a new pair. No worry about underwear getting leaked on and carrying extra panties with you if you leave the house. And finally, they are just more comfortable than a bulky pad. I don’t know how they do it, but they are very discreet, no one will know you are wearing one, but they are so, so absorbent.
In my case, after about two weeks or so the bleeding was similar to a regular period and the bladder issue was much, much better so I switched to the foam pads. But this was without a doubt the best advice I got to help make the after-birth healing process as simple as possible.
Wow! I have never thought of it but this is SUCH a great idea! Less clean up, Less laundry, no ruined underwear or clothes.
TTC in 2017 and will for sure be remembering this!
I know! When she mentioned it, I was thinking why has no one ever told me this?? This should be in all the “what to expect” manuals.
Best wishes for you and your family! I hope 2017 is good to you!
I wish I knew that babies cry A LOT. Of course I knew they cry, but had no idea just how much. Before my daughter was born it seemed like everyone I talked to who had a baby would tell me how happy theirs was. That gave me unrealistic expectations for mine. I ended up with a baby who refuses to take a nap most days and wants to be entertained all day. This combination makes for one cranky little girl! I can remember asking my mom a month after she was born if I just have an angry baby because everyone else’s babies don’t cry. She told me people are lying if they say their baby is happy all the time. Now I’ve learned to not compare her to others, and there has been so much relief in that.
I’m reading this while nursing (and typing one-handed!) and dripping tears all over my baby. She turns 5 months old this week and I can’t believe it — she’s also my last one, so it’s extra emotional. And just so you know, this list will change again if you decide to have another kid…my babies are SO different and all of my experiences feel brand new, which is great and terrible at the same time. <3
Thank you for this post. I’m 25 weeks pregnant and I appreciate your honesty and candidness. Sometimes you feel like you’re the only one going through the gruesome details since it’s not typically discussed. I look forward to reading your follow up post. Thanks!
Thank you for being so honest. It’s always nice to hear another mothers point of view and that we all have our struggles. Our 4 month old is having trouble sleeping through the night and a friend of mine just keeps telling me how their baby slept through the night at 4 weeks. I’m very happy it was so easy for them but it doesn’t make me feel any better :/
I wish I knew how much I would worry after our daughter was born. I was considered high risk so I was constantly worried throughout my pregnancy. I kept thinking once she was out it would be better. I’m pretty sure it’s worse now. I worry all the time about her. Is she feeling ok? Is she gaining enough weight? Is she happy? Is she breathing?
I love this post! My daughter is currently 18 months old, and we have a baby boy due in August! I had a vaginal delivery, and I wish I would have known that it can take TIME to heal! I knew it was process to go through and that recovery can be totally different for everyone. I remember texting my friend who also had a vaginal delivery at 6 weeks post partum asking her when I would feel “normal” again. I didn’t quite feel like my “new normal” self until about 8 weeks post partum. The comments about C-section vs vaginal birth and which one is harder or what not bothers me because things are different for everyone. One person might have an easy recovery from a C-section, while her friend might have a horrible recovery from a vaginal birth. Either way, it’s labor, and it’s hard!
Another thing I wish I would have known is that being a mom is hard! You really don’t get it until you are a mom yourself, and it is so hard to explain it to people that don’t have kids. Being a mom is the most amazing thing I have ever done, but it is also one of the hardest. And it’s OK to admit that.
This is so sweet! I’m not a mom but I know that one day things like this will be beneficial to read. I love how realistic and honest you are! Chase is a lucky little guy:)
Oh Julie, as someone who doesn’t have kids yet, it’s been so nice to follow along on your new parenthood journey and see you tell it like it is. I mean, wow. I love that you’re so honest with us. And this is one great post. But seriously – no control for 48 hours? Oh my gosh. hahaha. Hi to sweet little Chase!!
Thank you for your honest post! My husband and I were just married this past July, but are looking to have kids within the next couple years. We’re both elementary teachers, so we love kids & have a young niece & nephew…but myself personally, I have never been much of a BABY person. I have friends who are allll about the babies & this has honestly made me nervous about whether my ‘love’ will grow. Plus, there is definitely a sense of anxiety when it comes to taking care of a little human who can’t communicate their needs & wants, not to mention the change of lifestyle, body changes, & lack of sleep! So I appreciate reading & seeing how much you love your little boy, but also to know that motherhood is a process and feeling that grows over time!!
I had a colicky baby and was always told that the first 6 weeks were the hardest. WELL that colic didn’t go away after 6 weeks and it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through. I don’t know what I would’ve done without the help of my husband and family during those days of endless crying. It’s wasn’t till 12 weeks (right when I was going back to work, of course) that it finally got better. Each day and week seemed like it took FOREVER to pass and I did NOT cherish those moments. And I think that’s okay. 🙂 Finally, I had a baby I could actually ENJOY after that! Like you said, it takes time but it will happen eventually!